Newtrons: A Field Guide

April 02, 1995|By RICK HOROWITZ

They're here.

They're there. They're everywhere.

They're Newtrons.

After decades in the wilderness living on insects, roots and think-tank droppings, Newtrons have swarmed into cities and towns all across America. In barely 100 days under the leadership of the Maximum Newtron himself, they've even overrun entire portions of our Nation's Capital, leaving Democratic devastation and chaos in their wake.

Yet there are those who find these same Newtrons strangely appealing -- lively creatures with quirks and habits all their own.

And there are those who still know too little about Newtrons to decide one way or the other.

What all these people -- the Newtron victim, the Newtron fan and the curious Newtron newcomer -- have been lacking is a source (( of reliable Newtron information, a comprehensive yet convenient manual that anyone can use.

Here it is now: "Newtrons: A Field Guide." And not a moment too soon.

Recognizing the Newtron

Newtrons come in all sizes and colors, including white and off-white. Many Newtrons adopt additional protective coloration, however, turning a bright red-white-and-blue, for instance, in the autumn of even-numbered years.

Newtrons can often be identified by their fur, which remains perfectly groomed in all weather conditions, and by the small hole, or "data port," visible along the spinal column.

Newtrons were once considered to be virtually untrackable. In most cases, the only sign that Newtrons were nearby was a smattering of microscopic pellets and undigested Great Society programs.

Modern soil-analysis techniques have now enabled naturalists to recognize Newtron tracks in many locales, especially surrounding the bloated carcasses of exhausted liberals.

Newtrons in Flight

Like the bumblebee, the Newtron's ability to remain airborne defies generally understood principles of physics. Yet like the vulture, Newtrons are frequently seen in flight, riding currents and circling over entitlements and other carrion.

Note the Newtron's massive right wing, and its puny, vestigial left wing. Newtrons have adapted quite well to this imbalance and, by inflating additional air sacs surrounding their lungs, can stay aloft for hours at a time, particularly when TV cameras are present.

Newtron Gender

Because Newtron sexual characteristics are generally understated, novice Newtron spotters are often unable to distinguish male and female Newtrons. Researchers, however, have recently developed a nearly foolproof method:

Place a welfare mother directly in front of the Newtron. If he kicks the mother off welfare, it's a male Newtron. If she kicks the mother off welfare, it's a female Newtron.

The Call of the Newtron

Functioning both diurnally and nocturnally, the Newtron is not always visible to humans. However, one can easily recognize several distinctive calls.

A typical Newtron sound is a sharp two-note cry: "Go-back! Go-back!" (although others hear it as: "Go-pac! Go-pac!") A second call, particularly prevalent when Newtrons cluster around radio receivers, is an almost manic "Ditto! Ditto! Ditto!" This chant provokes a state of Newtron arousal apparently preferable even to sex.

Newtrons are strong supporters of "family values." Male and female Newtrons mate for life. NOTE: Does not apply to the Maximum Newtron.


The Newtron produces one litter every two years. A typical Newtron gestation period is 100 days. During this time, training guides and interest-group contributions are absorbed by proto-Newtrons, barely able to fend for themselves and leaning heavily to the right.

As they mature, Newtrons grow a fatty layer of self-confidence and can eventually stand on their own. However, they clearly remember the sources of their early support, accounting for the Newtrons' common nickname, "defenders of the uptrodden."

The adult Newtron is a voracious eater, capable of consuming twice his weight in press clippings each day. In drier terrain, the Newtron will strip the bark off trees or Democratic incumbents.

Hunting in packs, Newtrons have been known to bring full-grown donkeys to their knees; they keep their teeth sharp by gnawing on regulations.

On occasion, Newtrons bite off more than they can chew.

Newtron Linguistics

Newtrons typically employ long bursts of syllables difficult for any but true Newtrons to pronounce, e.g.:

* "Largesttaxincrease inamericanhistory."

* "Failedpolicies ofthesixties."

* "Massivegovernment controlledhealthcaresystem"

Newtrons consider the ability to produce such syllables the equivalent of actual thought.

Related Species

Alfonsigator Squawkus newyawka -- This primitive-looking specimen, originally confined to metropolitan areas of the Northeast, now ranges far afield, and has recently been seen burrowing into whitewater habitats as far south and west as Arkansas. He uses his acute sense of smell to locate and stalk his prey, even while exuding an odor himself that other animals often find repellent.

Famous Newtrons in History

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