Disorder In The Court

TO WIT

March 19, 1995|By DAVE BARRY

Transcript, Trial of the Century, Day 257

Bailiff: Hear ye, hear ye, the court is now in sess . . .

Defense: Objection, your honor.

Judge: To what?

Defense: Nothing, your honor. We're just warming up.

Prosecution: Your honor, the people would like to state that we also have no objections at this time.

Defense: Objection, your honor. Every time the defense says something, the prosecution always feels it has to say something.

Prosecution: The people do not.

Defense: Do too.

Prosecution: Do not.

Defense: Do too.

Defendant: OK, stop, I confess! I'm guilty!

Judge (sternly): Order in the court!

Defense: Your honor, the prosecution is clearly jealous of the defense because we have a lot of marquee legal talent such as F. Lee Bailey.

Prosecution: Objection, your honor. The people have reason to believe that that is not really F. Lee Bailey.

(A murmur runs through the courtroom.)

Judge: Bailiff! I ordered the murmurs removed from this courtroom!

Bailiff (drawing his gun): We'll take care of it, sir.

Prosecution: Your honor, if that is F. Lee Bailey, how come he hardly ever says anything? He just sits there, day after day, not moving. The people request permission to stick him with a pin.

Judge: I'll allow it.

F. Lee Bailey: Sssssssssssss

Judge: Let the record show that "F. Lee Bailey" is actually an inflatable doll wearing a $1,000 suit.

Defense: Objection, your honor. That suit cost $1,500.

Judge Wapner: Do you have a receipt?

Defense: Objection! This judge is from a completely different TV show!

Judge: I'll sustain the objection. Let's proceed with the expert witness.

Prosecution (to witness): Please state your name and the size of your book advance.

Expert witness: My name is Dr. Pembrick A. Femur, and my advance is $350,000.

Prosecution: And who will be playing you in the movie version?

Expert witness: We are thinking Brad Pitt.

Defense: Objection, your honor. We were thinking of Brad Pitt to play us.

Prosecution: Brad Pitt? You? Your honor, the people request permission to laugh until little bubbles form in the people's nostrils.

Defendant: I'll sign a full confession, OK?

Prosecution: Dr. Femur, you are an expert, are you not?

Expert witness: I am.

Prosecution: And do you think the people's hairstyle looks better this way, or the way the people wore it before?

Expert witness: This way.

Judge: What about my beard?

Expert witness: With all due respect, your honor, I have seen more impressive facial hair on a coconut.

(Laughter.)

Judge (angrily): Bailiff! Where is that laughter coming from?

Bailiff: From inside a set of parentheses.

Judge: I'll allow it. Continue.

Prosecution: Dr. Femur, I am handing you Exhibit No. 2038-B. Can you identify this item for the court?

Expert witness (examining it): Yes. That is a DNA molecule belonging to the defendant.

Defense: Objection! We can't see the exhibit!

Prosecution: Of course you can't, you idiot. It's a molecule.

Expert witness: Or a poppy seed. There's a 73 percent chance either way.

Prosecution: Now Dr. Femur, can you tell the court, in your own expert words, what "DNA" stands for?

Expert witness: Yes.

Prosecution: I see. Now Dr. Femur, could you please tell the jury, as an expert, whether the defendant could have left this DNA molecule or poppy seed at the scene of the . . .

Expert witness: Tell what jury?

Judge: Bailiff! The jury escaped again!

(Another murmur runs through the court.)

Gun: Bang!

Bailiff: I got the murmur, your honor!

Defense: Objection! The bailiff shot a reporter for the National Enquirer.

Judge: I'll allow it.

Prosecution: Your honor, while we're waiting for the authorities to track the jury down, the people request your honor's permission to ask the witness approximately 850 unbelievably redundant questions.

Judge: Of course.

Defense: Objection, your honor. As counsel for the defendant, we cannot . . .

Judge: Hey! Where's the defendant?

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