"To err is human" file comes this: A William...

FROM THE

March 16, 1995

FROM THE "To err is human" file comes this: A William Safire column on belated moves to honor former Maryland governor and U.S. vice president Spiro Agnew had a noticeable error when it was published on the op/ed page of Monday's New York Times.

Mr. Safire, who often comments on others' flubs in his language dTC column in the Times, referred to Maryland's Democratic governor Parris Glendening as a Republican. In fact, Mr. Safire, a former Nixon White House speech writer, seemed to infer that it took a Republican governor to get Mr. Agnew's portrait hung in the State House along with previous governors, "something the last two Democrats refused to do," he wrote.

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AND from the "Is that why they make so much money?" file comes this: Friends of a local corporate lawyer are still chuckling about his behavior during a recent hospital stay for hip-replacement surgery. The infamous workaholic, still groggy from anesthesia, told his wife to hand him her cellular phone so he could call his office. Out of luck, the battery was dead. Two weeks into his six-week recuperation period, he was back at his desk. Why? Working from home was too difficult.

* * *

YOUNG children -- so seemingly defenseless and angelic -- are in fact miniature biological terrorists. Their mission is to spread germs throughout the United States and bring the country to its knees.

Their weapon: The Common Cold.

A young child's every action is designed to acquire and redistribute more germs. The third visit to the bathroom during lunch, wiping runny noses on their shirtsleeves, and even the overwhelming need to splash through every single puddle on the way home from school are all part of their secret plan.

Adults unwittingly aid this diabolical plan by sending kids to school where the tiny terrorists are able to interact with each other and exchange germs. These germs are then passed on to teachers, parents and any other adult foolish enough to get too close.

There is no defense. All American families are at risk from this silent chemical warfare and every American worker who calls in sick is another fallen comrade.

Surrender is the only alternative.

The children will not stop until every American is home in bed, sneezing and coughing under a mountain of blankets.

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