His advice is always right

January 30, 1995|By KEVIN COWHERD

If Newt Gingrich wrote an advice column:

Dear Newt,

Up until a few months ago, our son "Mike" was a straight A student in high school. Then he joined the varsity basketball team and his grades slipped to B's. He also plays in the school band, is on the debate team, and is expected to do daily chores around the house.

We're proud he's so well-rounded. But how can we make it clear

to him that his studies come first?

Frustrated in Fort Worth, Ind. Newt replies: The boy's home life sounds chaotic. He has serious problems and probably belongs in an orphanage. I have notified the juvenile authorities in your area.

Dear Newt: Please settle an argument. I say that toilet paper should be hung so it unrolls from the bottom. My husband insists it's the other way around. Who's right?

% At Odds in Albany Newt replies: Don't make me come up there and slap both of you. Because I will do it.

Dear Newt: My heart is breaking. Two weeks ago, my husband of 14 years announced he wants a divorce. "Adam" says he's in love with his secretary and the two of them plan to live together in a nearby town.

I feel empty inside and cry myself to sleep every night. Any words of comfort would be greatly appreciated.

1! Anna Gomez, Albuquerque, N.M.

Newt replies: Gomez . . . is that Mexican?

Dear Newt: About five years ago, you printed an inspirational poem that I cut out of the newspaper and tucked away in my wallet. It was something about the human capacity for overcoming adversity or about always doing your best or about how to get along with people, I forget.

Anyway, I carried it around for years until it was yellowed and frayed. Then the other day I took it out of my wallet to look at, because I was feeling down on account of having been fired from my job or something like that.

And would you believe it, Ernie, my dog, snatched that poem out of my hands with his teeth and ate the darn thing!

Newt, that poem meant so much to me. Could you possibly print it again?

' Hopeful in Honolulu

Newt replies: No. I assume the dog has been put to sleep.

Dear Newt: I'm at my wit's end. Every morning around 10, my neighbor "Gladys" drops by "just to chat." Her chats usually last for two hours or more.

Newt, this goes every single day! "Gladys" seems to think I have nothing better to do than gab with her.

How do I handle this delicate situation?

1! Exasperated in Encino, Calif. Newt replies: Is your neighbor a Democrat? The next time she rings your doorbell, lunge at her with a fireplace poker.

Dear Newt: My husband and I suspect that our teen-age son "Ned" has been taking money off our bureau. Small bills, mostly $5s and $10s, mysteriously appear in his pockets. But when we confront him, he denies everything.

We have talked to him about how wrong it is to steal, but it doesn't seem to help. Any suggestions?

- Perplexed in Peoria, Ill. Newt replies: There is a set of laws that we honor above all others, handed down by One far wiser than anyone else, that tells us how to live.

I refer, of course, to the Contract With America. I suggest you read it. There is nothing I can do about your son's stealing.

Dear Newt: When my wife and I were married 10 years ago, she weighed 110 pounds. I found her very sexy. But over the years, she has steadily gained weight. She is now so obese that I no longer feel any desire to be intimate, and frankly it's beginning to affect our marriage.

Down in the Dumps in Dallas

Newt replies: 'm writing a book?

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