Nothing but the facts, from reliable sources

January 13, 1995|By MIKE ROYKO

A right-wing talk show host was on TV the other day defending the journalistic standards of shows such as his.

He denied that bizarre and untrue statements are frequently spewed on the airwaves and said his show and others are just as factual as newspapers and other traditional news outlets.

There is no difference, he indicated, between trained reporters double-checking facts and some anonymous person calling a radio show and blurting an opinion.

If he's right, then I've found an easy way to get my column done. All I have to do is follow a typical talk-show format.

We'll start with Joe from Cicero. How you doin' Joe?

"I'm doin' great. How you doin'?"

I'm doin' great too.

"That's great that we're both doin' great."

Great. What's on your mind, Joe?

"Well, I just wanna say that there ain't one lousy politician in the whole country who ain't a dirty lying no-good low-down rotten rat, and nothin's gonna get any better until we throw out every one of them. So tell me, when's that gonna happen, huh?"

I don't know, Joe, I suppose when people vote them all out of office.

"Wha, you mean we can't get rid of them without an election? We got to vote on it?"

I think that's the way it works, Joe.

"See how hard they make it for us. I told you they was all rats."

You may have a point, Joe, and now Lou from Glenview. What's on your mind today, Lou?

"I think I have a solution for the problem of all these teen-age girls having babies and going on welfare."

We can sure use a solution, Lou. So tell us about it.

"The president should go on TV and declare a national slogan: 'Just Cross Your Legs.' There should be public service announcements on TV and bumper stickers and T-shirts and billboards saying, 'Just Cross Your Legs.' In all the churches, ministers could make 'Just Cross Your Legs' the message in their Sunday sermons."

Hey, that's some idea, Lou.

"Yes, and so young girls would remember it, every day at school they could recite a pledge of crossed legs just like the Pledge of Allegiance. I've written one. It goes like this: 'Just cross your legs, just cross your legs, there can't be any chickens without the eggs.' "

Hey, you may have something there, Lou. Now Bill from Sunny Hill. What's up, Bill?

"Yeah, it really bugs me about all those Mexican aliens sneakinacross the border. The way I see it, the trouble is that when we catch 'em and kick 'em out, they just sneak back in again."

Yes, they are pesky that way. So what should we do?

"We should shoot 'em. Then they won't sneak back in again, especially if they're dead."

Ah, so you want the border patrol to just open fire? Interesting thought.

"Not just the border patrol. The rest of us, too. I'm a sportsman and I'd like a chance to hunt some aliens, and I'm sure there's a lot of guys like me. Naturally, we'd have to get hunting licenses and that would bring money in to the government. And there wouldn't be any limit or season, not until we start running short of aliens. This could be a heckuva industry, with alien hunting clubs, guides, a safari kind of deal. What do you think?"

Well, that's an original idea, Bill. But what if they're just winged or nicked. Wouldn't that put a burden on the hospitals?

"I told you, I'm a sportsman. If you wing something, you got to put it out of its misery."

Good thought, Bill. Of course, there could be a few legal problems there, and maybe some lawyer will call in and talk about that. But now we have Jane from Sunny Lane. What's going on, Jane?

"I'm very upset by that sexist caller who talked about a Just Cross Your Legs campaign for young girls. What about the men? Remember, it takes two to tango. So something should be done about the men, too."

Good idea, Jane. Should they cross their legs? If everybody had their legs crossed, they couldn't even walk, much less tango.

"No, I think that what should be done with young men is this: If they go around having children and don't support them, then their things should be cut off. You cut off a young man's thing and, believe you me, he won't do it again."

Makes sense to me, Jane. But there might be a few legal difficulties on this, too.

"Then we should cut off the lawyers' heads."

That's a thought, Jane, and a lot of people would agree with you, but some people might disagree, such as the wives of the lawyers.

"Then we should cut out their tongues."

Maybe so, but we're out of time and my engineer is waving at me.

"We should cut off his hands."

We'll be back tomorrow, so have a good day and keep smiling.

"Not if we cut off all their lips."

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