The truth lies somewhere outside the shower curtain

January 10, 1995|By SUSAN REIMER

Welcome to another edition of "True Facts," those things that are true despite your best efforts.

When we last left Susan and the children, they were arguing over what the teacher really meant on the homework assignment.

In today's episode, the children leave the shower curtain outside the tub again.

And now, ladies and gentlemen: "True Facts."

* The only good thing about days off from school is that you don't have to get up at dawn and pack lunches. It is all downhill from there.

* Children seem to exist only to consume snacks and generate laundry.

* To those who have acquired amphibians, reptiles, birds and fish because they can't meet the demands of a pet dog: Just get the dog. It can't be any more work.

* No mother has ever given her child the amoxicillin exactly three times each day for the full 10 days. Somebody should tell pediatricians this.

* You need to send your children to a special school if you want them to turn their clothes right side out before they put them in the wash.

* Attention, men: Foreplay starts in the kitchen.

* "Women with crawling skin." One of the best descriptions ever for the mild but constant level of anxiety under which many women operate.

* You try to make a decent meal for a change, dust off the recipe book, and find you don't have any leeks. On a really bad day, you won't even have the onions.

* The weight you lose when you have the flu doesn't count. One sip of ginger ale and you will balloon back up like those compressed sponges bartenders use.

* "Pretend I'm dead." One woman's response to family members who could not seem to accomplish the simplest task without consulting her.

* Store clerks will wait on you more quickly if you are carrying a package.

* The average parent spends 12 to 14 minutes a day with each child, a study shows. They spend eight to 12 of those minutes arguing about bedtime, homework and eating habits. That leaves two to six minutes a day for sharing love and developing values.

* Only mothers have witnessed the remarkable restorative powers of three hours of cartoons on a child who was too sick to go to school.

* Women can fit one more of anything in the refrigerator.

* Men can never find anything in the refrigerator.

* Compliment a woman on her earrings and she will immediately reach up and touch her ear lobes because, even if she looks at her dress, she can't remember what earrings she put on.

* Girls do not need snap-crotch blouses. Boys need snap-crotch shirts. They are the ones who can't keep anything tucked in.

* You know it is bad when you run the washer without any clothes in it.

* Life would be simpler if we just had the newspapers delivered to the recycling center.

* If you don't want your children to sleep in your bed at night, never let them know you have one.

* Do something once with a child, and he will consider it a tradition.

* No matter what it is, it tastes better if someone else cooked it.

* For some women, shopping early for Christmas does not mean finishing early; it means shopping longer.

* Top 10 reasons why that child isn't wearing a coat on a day like this:

10. It itches.

9. His friends aren't wearing theirs.

8. It's a girl's color.

7. He forgot.

6. He hated it when you bought it.

5. He left it in his locker at school.

4. It is in the wash with gum in the pocket.

3. He lost it a week into the season.

2. His mother hasn't had a chance to buy it for him yet.

And the No. 1 reason why that child isn't wearing a coat on a day like this:

1. He isn't cold. You're the one who is cold.

* Those who fold the laundry each week also have the tiniest pile of clothes.

* Boys never notice when their dress socks slide down into their dress shoes. Girls would whine at you until you had to go home.

* Catalogs make you long for a lifestyle you didn't know you envied until the mail arrived.

* And the truest true fact of all: He meant well.

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