Here's something new for the new year: Everybody's dieting


January 05, 1995|By Kevin Cowherd | Kevin Cowherd,Sun Staff Writer

It's the beginning of a new year. I'm on a diet. You're on a diet. My wife is on a diet. My editor is on a diet. Delta Burke is on xTC a diet. Richard Simmons is on a diet. Elizabeth Taylor is on a diet.

The whole country is on a diet.


Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutri-Systems . . . haven't we been down this road a thousand times?

Slim Fast, Lean Cuisine, low-fat yogurt . . . what was it Gertrude Stein said about Oakland? There's no there there? She could have been talking about dieting.

People knock back fistfuls of Dexatrim like they're Tic Tacs and where does it leave them?

Jumpy and fat, in my case.

The thing is, there's no secret to losing weight. We all know how to do it.

Stop eating so much. Get more exercise.

Boom -- end of weight problem.

Except . . . except we really can't stop eating. Which is the reason all these Jenny Craig outlets haven't been paved over and turned into trailer parks.

And why can't we stop eating? Because we're little pigs. Or big, fat pigs, in my case. Watching the Orange Bowl the other night, a friend and I drank four beers each and ravaged a box of Cheez-Its, a bag of sour cream potato chips and a loaf of pepperoni bread the size of a shoe box.

God, it was disgusting. The only thing missing was a wild boar roasting on a spit. If someone had fired up a wild boar, we would have eaten it, believe me.

Ricki Lake is on a diet, TV health doc Art Ulene is on a diet, Kathleen Sullivan is still on a diet. Kathleen Sullivan has been on a diet since the Apollo space program. Or so it seems.

I saw her new commercial last night. She was in a helicopter flying high above a Weight Watchers center. Chirping something into her headset about cutting the fat, not the food.

Did you see this? Was your reaction anything like mine?

Me, I wanted someone to push her out of the chopper. I wanted to see her free-falling 800 feet, clawing at the air in panic like Wile E. Coyote when he sprints off a cliff.

I wanted to see her terror as the dizzying plummet intensified and . . . I'm sorry. That's a horrible thing to wish on anyone.

But the woman is so-o-o-o annoying. I lost 30 pounds! I lost 30 pounds!

Well, bully for you, Kathleen. Hey, anyone can lose weight eating the stuff you eat.

Try losing weight while drinking four beers and banging back a box of Cheez-Its, a bag of sour onion potato chips and a loaf of pepperoni bread. Now there's a challenge.

Tommy Lasorda is on a diet, President Clinton is on a diet, Roseanne was on a diet until recently.

The thing is, with Roseanne, you get the feeling her problem isn't a few extra pounds. It's a few loose screws.

(I see the break-up with her ex is going smoothly. In a recent magazine interview, she called Tom Arnold "the most vile human being in the world," instantly vaulting him ahead of Pol Pot, Carlos the Jackal, the Menendez brothers and other promising candidates for the title.)

Kelsey Grammer is on a diet, Howard Stern sidekick Robin Quivers is on a diet, Oprah Winfrey is on a diet.

No, check that. Oprah isn't just on a diet. Oprah is a certified fitness fanatic now. Apparently she runs 5 miles a day, lifts weights, the whole bit.

The point is, Ope's body is a temple these days. You open a box of jelly doughnuts in front of her, she'll go for your throat with both hands.

On the set, no one ever pokes a head inside her dressing room and sings out: "You want anything from Burger King?"

Because Oprah would, like, erupt.

Don't ask me how I know this.

I just do.

Whoopi Goldberg is on a diet, Gary Shandling is on a diet, Dom DeLuise is on a diet.

Jim, the guy who waited on me at Jiffy Lube, is on a diet.

The problem with diets, of course, is that they take discipline, which most of us don't have, and willpower, which maybe three of us have. And most dieters lose weight only to gain it back later.

I read in People that Marlon Brando, who weighed, I don't know, 500 pounds during the filming of his new movie, "gained an entire suit size" during a production hiatus.

I could do that. In fact, I probably did it during the Orange Bowl.

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