Wipe anxieties away with 28 reasons to live

January 03, 1995|By MICHAEL OLESKER

Brand-new years arrive bearing brand-new anxieties. It's all uncharted territory out there, and the landscape is filled with dangers. Fortunately, though, help and inspiration have arrived with . . .

Twenty-Eight Reasons to Go On Living . . .

1. Even now, Parris Glendening is preparing his inaugural address, the emotional high point of which will be a stirring analysis of state zoning ordinances.

2. You can still rent bowling shoes at Patterson Lanes on Eastern Avenue for only 50 cents.

3. By now, you can probably turn on your TV without being run over by a football game.

4. You'll want to be around when Helen Bentley gives her concession speech.

5. And when Roger Hayden gives his, right after he opens up his charm school.

6. And when Ellen Sauerbrey gives her concession speech, right after she figures out who it is she's accusing of doing what to keep her from winning an election by . . . What? Fraud? Sloppiness? Inadvertence? Eleven thousand people (who somehow live only in Baltimore City, Montgomery and Prince George's counties and nowhere else in the entire state!) individually deciding to cheat on their election ballots?

7. It's important to outlive Paul Tagliabue.

8. National Boh's talking comeback.

9. Jacqueline McLean thinks she might mean it when she says she's sorry.

10. You don't want to miss any of the coming coverage of the Maryland auto emissions testing saga.

11. Things could be worse: You could have won the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes the day after entering the Witness Protection Program.

12. They're building more prisons now to house all the anticipated new criminals who'd have been better off finding decent jobs if only they'd learned a few appropriate skills in those wonderful public schools into which we keep pouring millions of dollars we don't have.

13. Women aren't finished yet with Judge Robert Cahill.

14. Matthias J. DeVito, retiring chief executive of the Rouse Co. and one of the most respected business people in the state, has agreed to oversee the $100 million federal effort to revitalize some of Baltimore's most deteriorated neighborhoods. Admit it: When you saw the headline "DeVito to oversee city grant," you thought, "Oh, no! They're trusting Danny DeVito with all that money?"

15. The Hubble Telescope is searching for life in the vast expanses of outer space. (At press time, it hadn't found any.)

16. There's inspiration in every breath taken by Sen. Strom Thurmond who, at age 92, continues to give daily proof that the good die young.

17. You still need time to figure out which Baltimore channel's going with which network, since it hasn't occurred to you yet to simply pick up the newspaper TV listings.

18. Laurel likes Jack Kent Cooke about as much as Baltimore does.

19. It's 1995, but the Cross Street Market still has the feel (and some of the prices) of 1955.

20. Your state legislator's no longer likely to be residing in Bruce Bereano's back pocket.

21. It's going to be fun being around Parris Glendening to watch his charisma grow. He's already got a bold plan for a new state motto: "Live Prudently or Die."

22. You want to be here for the opening of the next major league baseball season, some time in the spring of the 21st century, when Grandpa Cal Ripken renews his pursuit of Lou Gehrig -- assuming the road out to shortstop is wheelchair-accessible.

23. Baltimore City Council meetings can be viewed on cable TV. It's like listening to Rice Krispies erupting in a bowl, but not as nourishing.

24. The city didn't set a new homicide record last year. If that's not a campaign slogan, what is?

25. Indianapolis doesn't like Bob Irsay either, and now he has to pay for all those empty seats on Sundays.

26. Maybe somebody will trade all the Tesseract programs for one Calvert School curriculum.

27. You want to be here for next year's Christmas card from Mayor Kurt L. Schmoke, to see if his teen-age daughter's gotten off the phone yet.

28. Three words: William Donald Schaefer. Be nice to him. For one thing, he did his best. For another, he probably knows where you live.

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