We've got a brand-new year, and here are some timeless questions

January 03, 1995|By ELISE CHISOLM

It's about that time of year to reflect or look ahead, and it is time to make my list of random Whys, Whens and What-ifs.

* Why do New Year's Eve parties seem sillier as the years go on?

* Why do I sometimes feel I am taking my life in my hands when I am looking for my car in a large shopping center parking area?

* Why do I feel I may have a head-on car crash when I am trying find a parking space in a two-way indoor parking garage?

* Why do men think they drive better in snow than women?

* Why do parents send their children to school with running noses and fever?

* What if we wore masks in bad weather like the Japanese.

* Why don't major department stores put on extra help after the holiday for the return gifts?

* Why did Clinton let Newt (The Grinch) steal Christmas from the Democrats?

* When will the two parties quit their one-upmanship? Before the next election?

* Why doesn't some honest young politician start a Centrist Party, anyway?

* Why is "honest politician" an oxymoron?

* Why am I the only person in the world who doesn't think the barking comedian, Tim Allen, is funny?

* Why do television networks keep putting the same comedians -- Hal Linden, Ed Asner, Dabney Coleman and Bob Newhart -- in those sit-coms? And surely Bob Hope could stay home with his great-grand kids.

* How many books-in-progress are there on the O.J Simpson case?

* Why does it take lawyers 10 paragraphs to say what other people can say in one?

* Why does Hollywood have to show us a male victim of sexual harassment in its very first depiction of sexual harassment, as in jTC the current movie "Disclosure?"

* Why don't Cokie Roberts and Sam Donaldson get new hairdos?

* What if we put rubber bumpers on shopping carts?

* Why don't restaurants give us a glass of water when we sit down?

* Why can't more theaters have crying rooms for the kids?

* Why are people who talk about computers and people who talk about searching their genealogy so boring at parties? Why don't they find one another at parties?

* Why do medical labs take so long to get the results of your lab tests to the doctor?

* What if we were able to test a new appliance at home when we buy one, like we try out a new car?

* What if airlines with their fancy computer systems called us at home when our flights are canceled like they used to do?

* Why can't hardware stores be open 24 hours?

* Why can't surgeons make eye contact with their patients?

* What if Sally Jessy Raphael, Jenny Jones, Geraldo, Donahue, Oprah and Povich -- any of those talking heads -- interview the Carmelite nuns or the Trappist monks? (What a relief it would be to us -- those orders don't talk.)

* When will American department stores get playrooms for kids like the Swedish-owned IKEA?

* Why is it that there is always just one forgotten shoe on a sidewalk or highway?

* Why don't teen-agers smile? Didn't they used to?

L * What if the Power Rangers take over America? Or have they?

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