Blame it on wire-crossed lovers

November 29, 1994|By David Zurawik | David Zurawik,Sun Television Critic

"Oscar, my bionics are breaking down," a teary-eyed Jaime Summers (Lindsay Wagner) tells her boss at what is supposed to be an especially dramatic moment in the early going of "Bionic Ever After?"

Imagine two hours of that kind of dialogue, paired with even worse acting, then multiply it all by two, and you should have a pretty good feel for the worst reunion movie of November sweeps.

"Bionic Ever After?" which airs at 9 tonight on WBAL (Channel 11), is going to be hard going for anyone who wasn't a hard-core fan of the two series it's based on -- Wagner's "The Bionic Woman" and "The Six-Million Dollar Man" with Lee Majors as Steve Austin.

The series, both of which went off the air in 1978, featured wooden actors in cartoon plots of saving the world from destruction on a weekly basis. It's hard to imagine that Wagner and Majors could be worse actors today than they were 16 years ago, but they are. The scenes that feature them together are almost unbearable.

Not that the plot is any great shakes. Just as Steve and Jaime are about to be married, she starts to feel that her bionics are falling apart.

As if that isn't bad enough, terrorists have taken over the American embassy in Jamaica and planted a nuclear SCUD missile on the lawn. Meanwhile, the embassy staff and guests are being held hostage in the wine cellar.

At one point, Steve warns the terrorist leader, "Your picture's going to be plastered in every nickel and dime store from here to Hoboken!"

I told you the dialogue never gets any better during the two hours.

I won't give away what happens to the marriage plans. One's greatest fear, however, is that if the bionic heroes do become a bionic couple, there may be bionic spinoffs featuring little bionic toddlers.

That, Oscar, is too dreadful to even contemplate.

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