Just where did I slip up? I didn't - I'm a computer

November 14, 1994|By ROGER SIMON

Letters, calls and the roar of the crowd:

Margie M. Love, Ogdensburg, N.Y.: I would not ever think of denying you your right to think, speak and act as you like.

I do regret, however, that you are in such a powerful position from which to abuse the power you have by only presenting a very narrow political interpretation of all actions to your readers.

Perhaps someday in the near future you will understand exactly where you slipped up.

COMMENT: My mother always said that happened when I decided not to go to pharmacy school like my cousin Bernie.

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Robert P. Wilhelm, Kingsville: I have been a regular reader of your column, and in the early years we would agree on, perhaps, one in four issues.

Lately, however, this former ratio of agreement has narrowed to our agreeing on, at the very least, three out of five issues.

This would seem to indicate that one of us is becoming more mellow and the other smarter or open-minded.

I'm too old to get smarter and you're too young to mellow, so there you have it.

COMMENT: Although most people's IQs stay pretty steady throughout their lives, it is amazing how mine bounces around. It is high when people agree with me and sinks to the idiot level when they don't.

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Stanley Davis, Baltimore: I am an African-American, a resident of Baltimore City. I agree with your column [on Jimmy Carter]. It's amazing to me to hear a Caucasian-American speak with such truth about the situation between the Republicans and Democrats in this country.

COMMENT: You think I'm Caucasian? Why? Because of my column picture? You think I really look like that? Come on! Nobody could look that goofy! That is a fake picture, Stanley.

Actually, I have no race; I am a computer program.

Remember the old anecdote about how if an infinite number of monkeys typed on an infinite number of typewriters, they would eventually re-create the complete works of Shakespeare?

Well, nobody could gather together an infinite number of monkeys (and nobody wanted to clean an infinite number of monkey cages), but in the computer age it became possible to conduct that experiment electronically.

I am the result: A Pentium-based column-writing computer using Opinion Perfect software.

I am this nation's first Cyber-Columnist. And I assure you that I will use my powers only for the forces of good and not quarke, brzzzzzt, 71-hike, MEMORY INSUFFICIENT, DISK LOSS.

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Mel Reuber, Columbia: On my way to the Delaware beach I often stop along the way to walk my German shepherd. I stop near a lake so that she can also have a drink of water. The last time, something quite unexpected happened:

Six geese chased the two of us away from the lake and my car. No doubt there were goslings nearby. The geese then sat down next to my car and would not let us near it.

We walked and walked for about 30 minutes, thinking the geese would tire, get bored and retreat. No such luck!

Finally, a young boy rode by on a bicycle. "No problem!" he said.

He chased the geese away by riding his bicycle. We quickly got into the car and left.

6* COMMENT: Gee, Mel, thanks for sharing.

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James P. Casey, Baltimore: I am writing to criticize your Paula Jones column. In the case of Paula Jones, most reporters evaluated her story and found it wanting. Too many details didn't add up.

The fact that she never mentioned the incident when it was alleged to have occurred gave pause.

The dropping of the pants was implausible.

The fact that Ms. Jones' sister reported that Ms. Jones was flattered by whatever attention she received from Gov. Clinton made her story doubtful.

COMMENT: Bill Clinton will be delighted to learn that you think it was "implausible" that he dropped his pants in the presence of a woman. And that is why I am forwarding your letter to him. He could use some cheering up these days.

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