Bad Roger is Newt mean, but even he is not crazy

November 13, 1994|By ROGER SIMON

Bad Roger took a final glance at his notes, cleared his throat and looked directly into the TV camera.

"Attention!" he said. "Under the new rules of Republican America, you will stand up when I am speaking to you!"

All over the country, Americans stood up.

Good Roger remained flat on his back in bed, moaning softly to himself, something he has been doing ever since Tuesday night.

"Woe is us," he kept saying, "woe is us. The Bad Rogers everywhere have taken over the country."

Good Roger is the decent, honest, compassionate side of me, the side that cares about the poor, the tired, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free. He usually votes Democratic.

Bad Roger is the evil, twisted, demented side of me who cares about feathering his own nest, stiffing the little guy and growing rich off the fat of the land. He votes for Newt Gingrich in all elections, even though he has to write in his name.

"Attention!" Bad Roger said on TV. "As newly appointed Secretary for Revenge, I have the following announcements:

"First: President Clinton will be subpoenaed to appear before the Whitewater Tribunal. . . ."

"So what else is new?" Good Roger moaned from his bed.

"But first he will be taken from the White House in a cage and paraded through the streets, where angry citizens will be allowed to pelt him with rotten fruit," Bad Roger said. "After that, he will receive a fair trial by the new Republican Congress and then be hung by the neck until he coughs up all those Big Macs."

"That's torn it!" Good Roger shouted, throwing off the covers. "I'm getting down to that TV studio and putting a stop to this!"

"Attention!" Bad Roger continued. "On orders from Speaker Newt, all Democrats in America will be forced to paint their heads green and hop on one foot! All members of the ACLU will be forced to ring a bell and shout "Unclean! Unclean!" as they walk down the sidewalk!"

Bad Roger had received a call from Bob Dole early Tuesday evening.

"I hear you're mean, you're vicious, you're completely unfair and believe in kicking people when they are down," Dole said. "How'd you like a job in the new administration?"

"What new administration?" Bad Roger asked.

"Haven't you been watching the election returns?" Dole asked. "Aren't you aware there has been a voter revolution in this country?"

"I been watching 'My Cousin Vinnie' on Fox," Bad Roger said. "It's the one network you can depend on to keep reality out of your life."

"Well, we have taken control of both houses of Congress," Dole said. "The voters are so angry they are foaming at the mouth and screaming for blood and we need someone to channel that rage into senseless, destructive acts that will further our own selfish ends."

"Finally," Bad Roger said, "a politician I can identify with."

And now Bad Roger was in Channel 2's studios in Baltimore, preparing for a coast-to-coast hook-up to tell Americans how their lives would change.

"And as soon as I am done," he told the director, "tell Mary Beth I would like a back rub."

"Four seconds to air time," the director said. "Three, two, one . . ."

"Attention!" Bad Roger said. "All illegal aliens will be deported to Mexico, Canada, Haiti or Arkansas starting tomorrow! An illegal alien is anyone who whose ancestors did not vote against Franklin Roosevelt at least three times!"

Good Roger burst into the doors of the TV studio and ran in front of the cameras.

"Stop this madness!" he shouted. "Revenge and retribution is not what America is about! The Republicans have taken power, but this does not mean they will act out of petty vengefulness."

"Petty vengefulness is what made this country great," Bad Roger said. "And now we will carry out the Republican Contract with America: A balanced budget amendment. Increased defense spending. And term limits for all members of Congress."

"And are you aware," Good Roger said, "that the Republican leadership also wants term limits for newspaper columnists?"

"That's it! I quit!" Bad Roger said, taking off his microphone and throwing it to the floor. "I said I would work with Dole and Gingrich because they were mean. But I didn't know they were crazy!"

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