You don't get to complain if you don't vote tomorrow

November 07, 1994|By ROGER SIMON

SIMON SAYS:

Q: What role is John Elway going to play in the movie version of "The O. J. Simpson Story"?

A: The slow-moving white Bronco.

(OK, OK, so John Elway actually runs well for a quarterback, but it's funnier this way.)

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Q?

Let's face it, "My So-Called Life" is the best show on TV.

They never learn: On Dec. 11, 1987, Vice President George Bush refers to conservatives who oppose a new arms-control treaty as "the extra-chromosome set."

Within days, he is forced to apologize to Down syndrome families.

On Oct. 28 of this year, Vice President Al Gore says that Oliver North "is banking on the fact that he can raise enough money from the extreme right wing -- the extra-chromosome right wing."

Within hours, Gore is forced to apologize to Down syndrome families.

C'mon guys, clean up your acts. I knew politicians were running out of ideas, but I didn't know they were running out of insults, too.

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Two extraordinary literary events this month: On the fiction front there is the publication of the heart-pounding thriller "Dirty White Boys" by Stephen Hunter, and on the nonfiction front there is the enormously satisfying "Kafka Was the Rage" by Anatole Broyard.

And remember: Books make great stocking stuffers, especially if the person has really fat feet.

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The best Dear Heloise letter ever:

"Dear Heloise:

"I set our insect zapper on a TV tray on the patio and plug it in after sunset and off at sunrise. During the day, I set the zapper aside and place the tray in the yard. The birds love the treats.

"Maxine Zweifel, San Antonio, Texas."

Gosh, Mommy, what did birds do before there were insect zappers?

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Since we're already in the Canadian Football League, why doesn't Baltimore join the Japanese Baseball League next year? They'll be playing.

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People who go into restaurants, order salads with the dressing the side" and then dump all the dressing on the salad should be beaten with sticks.

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Jim Belushi has really developed as an actor. I remember when was a nobody in Chicago, who used to moon people on North Avenue through barroom windows.

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B0

Whatever happened to the Irish Sweepstakes?

Bumper sticker of the month (and I had to tailgate the guy for two miles to get it all down): "Join the Army, Travel to Exotic, Distant Lands, Meet Exciting, Unusual People and Kill Them."

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A-1 Steak Sauce's secret ingredient: raisins. (Read the label if you don't believe me.)

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Though I have made fun of him for never having had a thought didn't express, Sen. Joseph R. Biden Jr.'s impassioned speech on the Senate floor in defense of the crime bill was worthy of Jimmy Stewart in "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."

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There is nothing worse than getting a cut on your finger while eating hard shell crabs. (Though soaking your hand in beer does give a measure of temporary relief.)

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Anyone who enjoys movies having anything to do with kick boxing ought to re-examine their lives.

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Whatever happened to that big soccer craze? Why do I think it is going to go the way of the big tennis craze and (remember this one?) the big chess craze?

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You can tell a lot about a person by what the cabinet beneath their kitchen sink looks like.

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I think I would fall over in shock if I ever saw a driver around here signal a lane change.

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Is there some reason you have to take out a second mortgage before you can afford to send a shirt to a hotel laundry?

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Remember: If you don't vote on Tuesday, you don't get to complain on Wednesday.

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