What happens the other six days?

October 26, 1994|By Art Buchwald

THE LATEST sex survey from the University of Chicago is full of surprises. One of the biggest is the news that on average Americans have sex only once a week.

The follow-up question that respondents were not asked was, what do people do with the rest of their time?

I interviewed several members of the public in hopes of getting answers. This is the question I posed, "If you have sex once a week, how do you fill the other six nights?" I didn't say 'days' because no American in the survey admitted to having sex in the daytime.

Here are some of the answers I was given:

Mrs. N.: "I just sit there each night and count my blessings with Irving."

Mrs. C. responded: "I do my nails. Nobody knows how exciting life can be until you remove old nail polish and put new polish on in its place."

Mr. F.: "I have hobbies. I do E-mail on my computer on Monday night, I play poker on Tuesday, I watch wrestling on Wednesday, and then Clara and I always have sex on Thursday unless there is a basketball game, in which case she calls her sister and I spend the evening in the den."

"Do you ever think about doing it twice a week?" I asked Mrs. Y.

"That's for R-rated people. Lawton and I are PG."

Mrs. L. told me, "We're middle class, and sex doesn't mean as much to us as it does to Princess Diana or Madonna. Sometimes we do it on Saturday night because that's the worst evening for TV programs, and lately we do it when the O.J. Simpson trial is in recess. But we never fail to do it once a week just so that the whole sex survey won't be out of whack."

Mr. M.: "I work very hard in a warehouse stacking boxes at one end and unstacking them at the other. When I come home I'm exhausted and I don't even want to think about having relations with my wife. Whatever energy I have goes into my bowling. Maybe we don't indulge in any hanky-panky together, but I have a good relationship with my wife and she knows when I bowl a strike, it's the same as making love."

Mrs. J.: "I think that the statistic is too high. Only perverts would do it as often as once a week. That's four times a month or 52 times a year. We have a rule in our house: If it's not full moon, you can count Milton and me out."

Mrs. W.: "The problem is that if Americans do it only once a week they'll never have as many babies as they have in China. It isn't a question of making love or making war -- it really is making love or getting snookered by a most favored nation's treaty."

Mr. Q.: "It all depends on what's happening with the late-night shows. We always made love when Johnny Carson was on, but Jay Leno just doesn't put us in a romantic mood."

"Maybe you should watch Rush Limbaugh for foreplay."

"I'd rather go to sleep."

Art Buchwald is a syndicated columnist.

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