Charles and Diana -- The bore vs. the ninny

October 21, 1994|By MIKE ROYKO

From secret sources, I have obtained what could be an authentic transcript of marriage counseling sessions with Prince Charles and Princess Diana. Or maybe it isn't authentic, but that doesn't matter in modern journalism.

Here are portions of their poignant efforts to resolve their marital differences and live happily ever after.

Counselor: "I'd like each of you to tell me what your major $H problems are. Who would like to start?"

Charles: "I'll start. I find her to be something of a ninny. Pleasant to look at, I suppose, but not a brain in her head, poor thing."

Counselor: "Diana, what do you say to that? Are you a ninny?"

Diana: "But of course. I was raised to be a ninny. Upper class and that sort of thing. Why in the world would I have learned anything useful when I knew I would lead an idle life of looking and sounding pleasant? Education and knowledge would have merely made me cranky. But why is Charles complaining now? He knew full well before he married me that I was a ninny. Besides, Charles is a bore, and a bore is far more annoying than a ninny."

Counselor: "Charles, are you a bore? Charles? Wake up, old chap."

Charles: "Hmmm? Oh, yes. Bore, she says? Of course I'm a bore. What would you expect? I was raised to be a bore. Family tradition, you know. Our line of work, really. Dress well, stand up straight, shake hands, smile politely, give them the old cheerio. Then it's back to the countryside to stomp about a foggy moor. Of course, Di doesn't like stomping about a foggy moor. Prefers a disco to a moor. Can't understand that."

Diana: "Ah, but you have that wrinkled hag of a mistress with whom you stomp about the foggy moor. I truly don't know what you see in that old thing."

Charles: "Well, if it is foggy enough on the moor, she looks adequate."

Diana: "But when we married, you swore to me that your affair with her was over."

Charles: "I swore to that? Are you sure?"

Diana: "Absolutely."

Charles: "Hmmm. Then it must have slipped my mind. Should start jotting that sort of thing down."

Counselor: "Good thinking. Diana, would a reconciliation be possible if Charles promises to jot things down?"

Charles: "Just a moment. I'd like to settle the matter of that twit of a major with whom Diana had a merry roll in the hay."

Diana: "We did not have a roll in the hay. You know very well that I dislike hay and that it makes me sniffle and does ghastly things to my skin."

Charles: The least you could have done was have a roll in the whatever with a decent chap who wouldn't -- off to write a bloody book about it. My word, if Henry the Eighth were your husband, he would have had you and that major drawn and quartered."

Diana: "Who is Henry the Eighth?"

Charles: "See? I told you she was a ninny."

Diana: "Well, I can't keep track of all your relatives. Have I met him at any parties or balls?"

Charles: "Henry the Eighth is dead."

Diana: "Just as well. I'm sure I wouldn't have liked him. As for the major, I had no idea the cad was going to write a book about us. He didn't seem at all like the literary type."

Charles: "He's not. Dreadful book. Quite shallow."

Diana: "Then I must read it. Where does one get books?"

Charles: "You can borrow a copy from my mum."

Diana: "You know very well that I can't stand your mum and she dislikes me."

Charles: "Really? I'll have to jot that down too."

Diana: "By the way, your new book about not loving me is nothing to brag about.Did you really have to write that your father made you marry me?"

Charles: "I wanted to get even with him for saying I was a sissy because I don't like riding horses. Could never understand why I should ride a horse when we had a chauffeur and big cars."

Counselor: "Might I suggest that you think about the children?"

Charles: "What children?"

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