The Meanest Man in Devanau County

October 19, 1994|By HELEN CHAPPELL

Oysterback, Maryland -- Thank you, thank you very much, Operator. Operator? Hello, is that you, Miss Desiree? Thanks for accepting the collect call. What? Oh, yeah, it's me. Wade, and Mookie. Say hello to Miss Desiree, Mookie! Hear him! Aw, Miss Desiree, be nice. What? You'll have to speak up, it's pretty noisy in here.

Jail? Na, we're not in jail, heh, heh, heh. Na, we're up to Baltimore. What? Oh. Mookie wanted to see Tawnee, so we come up to Port Deposit last night, but she was out, so we come on over to Baltimore. Yeah, we're over to the Cameo Lounge on Harford Road. What? Now why would Miss Marge throw us out? Well, yeah, there is that, but we're behavin' ourselves, honest. Yeah. I'll tell her. Yes, ma'm, I will tell her what you said.

No, Mookie's right here next to me by the pay phone. I can see what he's doin' all the time. What? Oh, yeah. No I can't put Miss Marge on the phone, she's upstairs. Yeah, I guess she doesn't know we're here or she would throw us out. Hey, Nick, can we have a couple more of them beers over here? Thanks. Pay the man. Mookie.

What? You've gotta speak up. I can't hear too good over Mookie. What? Oh, yeah. Naw, it's not an emergency or nothin', we just had this great idea. Yes ma'm, the Wade Man and the Mookster have been thinkin'. What? You could smell something burnin'? Aw, Miss Desiree, is that any way to talk? I mean, here we is, and we got this great idea and we want to cut you in on it. We need you to rent the ring. The ring. No, no, the boxing ring. So we're calling you -- the boxing ring for the elimination boxing match we're gonna set up!

No, no, listen! Listen! This ain't like that, this is for real, a good idea and we can all make a fortune off of it. We can do it at your bar, in the parking lot. What? The Meanest Man in Devanau County Contest. Yes, you can finally go to the Caribbean and drink Mai Tais with Harrison Ford when we -- what? Well, of course! No, this isn't like the time we let alla them chickens outta that truck. Besides, that wasn't our fault, them chickens just followed us home, that's all.

We're gonna have a contest! To see who the meanest man in the county is! Hell, I know Haney Sparks is dead! But there's plenty more of them around -- What? What kind of contest? No, of course not. Mookie ain't that drunk. No, Miss Desiree, you gotta listen, because the Mooker and I think this is a good idea and we could all make a lotta money on this, if it's done right. Why do we need you? What? Turn that damn thing down. Mookie, I can barely hear Miss Desiree!

Hello? Hello, you there? Good. You don't want to lose out on this one, Miss Desiree, we all gonna make us some money on this. It's the The Meanest Man in Devanau County Contest. What? No, not the greenest man, the meanest man. Dammit, Mookie, will you give Nick a couple bucks for them beers or do I have to slap you upside your dumb head? Not you, Miss Desiree. I was talkin' to Mookie. It's an elimination boxing match. What? No, our idea! Well, we seen this movie on cable and -- Mookie, stop that! Leave that girl alone!

Yes, I'm back. Now, look, Miss Desiree, here's our idea. What? Our idea! Mookie, let that girl alone, she's got a great big ole boyfriend sittin' right over there, you fool. Miss Desiree, you there? Hello? Hello? Yeah, listen, Miss Desiree, we wanna run a contest. Yeah, a contest! No, we ain't gonna try and sell your bar by lottery, that didn't work the last time we tried it. No, I swear, Miss Desiree, this is gonna work. No, really.

See, what we're gonna do is hold an elimination boxing match to see who the meanest man in Devanau County really is. What? What? Aw, Miss Desiree, lissen, this one is a good idea, we can't hardly lose on this one. Mookie, will you cut that out? Na, what we wanna do is charge alla them guys who think they're so tough 20 bucks to get in the ring and pound each other into sand, and the winner gets the purse. What? What?

Dammit, Mookie, will you stop that? Hey! Hey you, yeah, you! I'm talking to you! Let him alone, ma'm, he's a fool and don't know no better than to try to mess with someone else's girlfriend. Tell the lady you're sorry, Mookie. He don't mean nothing wrong, ma'm, he's just as dumb as a chunk, that's all. Mookie, will you stop that, right now?

Hello, Miss Desiree, you still there? I gotta talk fast, Miss Marge just come in and told us to leave. Yes, I will tell her you said hello. What?

Yeah, Miss Desiree, that's our idea. What else? Whattya mean what else? Well, we did want to hold it in your parking lot, and we thought you could put up the money for advertising, and the tickets and the concessions and the rental of the ring, and we could split the proceeds right down the middle, but -- hello? Hello? Damn, Mookie, will you cut that out? Miss Desiree? You there, Miss Desiree? Hello? Hello? Miss Desiree? You there? Hello?

Wow, Mookie, I think she hung up on me.

She did hang up on me.

Now, why do you suppose would she want to do something like that?

?3 Helen Chappell is the amanuensis of Oysterback.

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