Whine radio

September 28, 1994|By Russell Baker

IF YOU tend toward suicide, listening to talk radio is even more dangerous than reading newspapers. Apparently it's all over for the good old United States.

The country's dead broke.

In spite of the fact that everybody's so poor that the national diet is based on cornmeal mush, we're still being taxed to death.

Hasn't been a war of any quality whatever since George Bush left Washington.

It's this Jimmy Carter you can thank for that. Every time we get up to the edge of a halfway decent war, this Jimmy Carter sticks his nose in and it's, "Goodbye, bloodshed!"

Jimmy Carter won't do.

Who's scared of us anymore? Nobody, that's who.

The only surviving superpower left on this earth, and nobody even trembles when we say, "Sit up straight and mind your manners."

Call that a superpower?

Hah!

What's this country coming to?

Coming to? You must be kidding. It's not coming to anything, it's gone to. And where it's gone to is the dogs.

We've been taxed and spent into bankruptcy by the liberals. They're still following the philosophy of that guy Whatchamacallum who said, "Tax and tax, spend and spend, elect and elect until America is destroyed and destroyed."

When a country lets people like Jimmy Carter and the liberals call the tune, what do you expect? No wonder we're the laughingstock of the world.

Jimmy Carter and the liberals just won't do.

Hillary Clinton won't do either.

Pardon me, Clyde, make that Hillary RODHAM Clinton.

George Washington didn't let Martha take over the White House. George Washington didn't let Jimmy Carter stick his nose into the whisky rebellion and settle it with a shameful compromise, did he?

They've destroyed baseball. Greed, that's what did it. Millions of dollars for playing a game that kids would be glad to play for free, but it's still not enough. They've got to go and destroy America's national pastime.

And who gives a hoot for the fans who spend their hard-earned dollars to support baseball's greed? Nobody: that's who gives a hoot for the fans. Nobody.

You don't see Hillary taking that Ira Magaziner up to the Congress and asking them to do something for the fans for a change, and you know why?

The fans aren't feminist enough for Hillary Clinton.

If something isn't done to stop this feminism before it's too late, this country's going to see Jimmy Carter sending his wife Rosalynn out to do the job next time he wants to stop America from doing the manly thing to these two-bit dictators.

Feminism is at the root of our nation's catastrophe. Along with liberalism and taxes and Jimmy Carter and greedy baseball players. Did I mention the public school system and all that leaning over backward to appease nutty demands for diversity and multiculturalism? Did I mention Lani Guinier's Justice Department, or is it Janet Reno's? The point is, Clyde, none of them will do. None of them. They just won't do.

Sweet, merciful divinity, forgive me. I almost forgot the media. You know as well as I know who did it. The media did it.

They're always trying to make a joke of it, always saying, "No, no, the media didn't do it, the butler did it."

It won't wash, friends. You know it, I know it, the country knows it, the media know it: The media must be stopped before it's too late.

And what about these comets spinning around the universe? One of them's got Earth's name on it right now and is probably barreling down on us at 75 miles an hour, and Bill Clinton is not doing a thing about it.

When that comet hits, let's hope it scores a bull's-eye on Capitol Hill, and not just a surgical strike either. The whole Congress needs a good obliterating, as well as the Supreme Court, not to mention the State Department and the Patent Office.

There's no use going on. Everything is ruined. It's all over. Life just won't do. Love your show, Clyde.

Russell Baker is a syndicated columnist.

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