Cute and cuddly can save a life

September 19, 1994|By KEVIN COWHERD

Every time I think the animal-rights extremists can't get any more twisted in their logic, they find a way to prove me wrong.

The other day I came across a book called "Save the Animals! 101 Easy Things You Can Do" with a foreword by Linda McCartney.

The last time I saw this woman, she was banging a tambourine in a music video with Paul McCartney and his band.

Paul, of course, was doing all the heavy lifting. In other words, he was the one actually supplying the talent by singing and playing the guitar.

Anyway, Linda McCartney wrote in this foreward: "We stopped eating meat the day we happened to look out our window during Sunday lunch and saw our young lambs playing happily, as kittens do, in the fields. Eating bits of them suddenly made no sense."

Well. As it happens, I was eating a big, fat cheeseburger as I read these words.

And two things occurred to me right away. No. 1, no one was saying to Linda McCartney: "You like lamb? Well, then you gotta eat those two little lambies over there -- yeah, the ones playing with your kids."

The point being that no one was holding a gun to her head and saying she had to eat her own lambs.

No. 2, how come these animal-rights nuts only stick up for animals that are cute and cuddly?

For instance, I don't see Linda McCartney or any of her wacko colleagues boo-hooing all the cattle that get banged over the head and eaten.

And there's a simple reason for this: Cows are ugly as sin.

They're big and fat and stupid-looking. It's not much of a life. In fact, you're probably doing them a favor by eating them.

Look, I bet if Paul and Linda McCartney were sitting down to a meal and they looked out their window and saw this big, fat cow with rheumy eyes staring up at them, they'd sing a different tune.

Linda would probably say: "Paul, go shoot that filthy thing!"

And Paul, he'd probably knock out a pane of glass with the butt of his shotgun and blast the steer right there.

A half-hour later, you'd see Paul standing over a smoking grill wearing one of those goofy chef's hats that say: "Don't ask me -- I'm just the cook!"

Then pretty soon you'd see the McCartneys and their friends gnawing on steaks the size of shoe boxes and Linda would be mumbling: "Mmmm . . . Ringo, hand me that A-1 Sauce. Y'know, I forgot how good this stuff tastes!"

It's the same thing with deer, really.

I'm not a hunter or anything. But I notice when the animal-rights people bash hunters, it's always for hunting deer. That's because deer are cute and cuddly and we all have these images of Bambi gamboling through the forest with what's-his-name, Thumper. And no one wants to see Bambi cooking over a spit while a couple of hunters burp and drain the last of their Bud Lights.

Whereas you take another woodland animal like, I don't know, a turkey.

Heck, hunters can mow down as many turkeys as they want and you won't hear a peep from the animal-rights nuts.

That's because turkeys might be the ugliest creatures God ever put on the planet, not to mention the most annoying with that "Gobble, gobble, gobble" stuff.

Hunters could take off after turkeys with machine guns and the animal-rights nuts would say: "Fine, fine, you boys have a good time. Just don't wing any deer with those things or we'll slap a picket line around these woods so fast it'll make your head spin."

Even Linda McCartney would probably plug a turkey. A few hours later, after someone dressed it and cooked it, I bet she'd be elbowing people out of the way and lunging for a drumstick, too.

Here's another example of selective concern on the part of the animal-rights extremists: dolphins.

That's all you ever hear: Save the dolphins, save the dolphins. We think of dolphins and we think of a playful, highly intelligent creature like Flipper. But what about all the other fish in the sea?

This is probably neither here nor there, but I was never that crazy about Flipper. He had the most irritating giggle. When he'd stick his head out of the water and giggle for that dopey kid on the dock, my whole body would tense up.

It's not like I wanted to see him swept up in a tuna net or anything.

But if he had wandered out to sea and never been heard from again, it would've been fine with me.

Linda McCartney, on the other hand, would've probably ended up in a locked ward.

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