Voting day project: Say a prayer for next 4 years

September 13, 1994|By MICHAEL OLESKER

Things to do while waiting out today's primary election:

Say a prayer for the next four years. Try to remember the names of all candidates for lieutenant governor, or even two of them. Find out if those are Bill Shepard's real eyebrows, or he's wearing an eye wig. Or if he's a previously undiscovered Marx Brother. Or if he's Brooke Shields in a suit.

Get tickets for a CFL game, so you can remember when pro football was still fun. Ask Jim Speros if he knows he looks like Gomez, in "The Addams Family" movie. Tell Walter Amprey that city teachers deserve more money. After all, they have to buy their own bullets. Sit back, relax in front of the TV, tune in an Orioles game and . . . oops, never mind.

Wonder why Jerry Cardin needed a pardon, now that he's dead. Ask William Donald Schaefer if he'll be pardoning all bank robbers, or just those who were his pals. Wonder what the governor does if Jeffrey Levitt calls. Wonder what he does if former Old Court depositors call.

Watch city police get to play truant officer. Listen to them say, "Put down that Uzi, Johnny, it's time for fourth grade." Make sure your cable company's not billing you for HTS, which you canceled the day baseball went on strike. Check your flight plans before leaving Harford County Air Park. Wonder where Donald Kroner's been.

Find out if the bar association's watching those legal ads on TV. It's one thing for attorneys to embarrass themselves, but do they have to take their own children hostage? Wonder how long it'll take those brilliant political insiders to realize viewers tune out campaign commercials as easily as they tune out any other TV commercials.

Strike a patriotic pose and announce you're raising money for Fort McHenry's $5.5 million education center, even though you couldn't find Fort Avenue if your life depended on it. Hang out at the Power Plant, and wait for something to happen during your one lifetime. Find out how all those kids are getting in to see "Natural Born Killers." Ask if they have parents. Find out if people in the ticket office have heard of the movie ratings system. Ask them if they can spell the letter "R."

Look around for your favorite state legislators. If you can't find them, take a look in Thomas V. Mike Miller's back pocket. Or Casper R. Taylor's. Ask Helen Bentley's handlers if, in hindsight, they might have let Bentley out of hiding a little earlier in the campaign. Don't worry if you forget to vote for Ross Pierpont. You can always vote for him next time.

Wonder what the last eight years might have been like if Ben Cardin had spent them in the State House. Or, for that matter, if Steve Sachs had. Wake up at 3 in the morning and overhear Kurt Schmoke plaintively asking himself, "Now, why was it I decided not to run for governor?"

Have lunch at Lexington Market. Try to beat the 20-minute limit at the upstairs tables. Have a burrito at Pancho's. Feel your taste buds give you a standing ovation. Wonder if PBS is feeling a little uneasy over the upcoming Ken Burns baseball series, as fans RTC are feeling slightly more cynical than romantic about the national unpastime.

Ask Roger Hayden why he waited until days before the election to bring up the Moving to Opportunity Plan. See if he's been communing with Dale Anderson. Ask Lou DePazzo for enlightenment on helping the poor. Ask him if he made the situation sound a lot scarier than it really is.

Telephone Frank Sinatra. Tell him he sounds great on those TV commercials for American Joe Miedusiewski. Vote for Melvin Perkins. He's dead? So what? In his grave, he's got more life than some of these folks running for office. Brace yourself: If Parris Glendening wins and shifts state power to the Washington-area suburbs, put down your National Boh and get ready for an on slaught of Sauvignon Blanc.

Find out if Mickey Steinberg can buy back his original introduction to William Donald Schaefer. Wonder what Schaefer's staff will do when the Kool Aid runs out. Give a shot in the arm to college football by encouraging Maryland and Navy to play each other. That way, somebody's gotta win. And the loser can take on Morgan State.

Play a round of golf at a public course. Bring along the traditional equipment: clubs, balls, and an Uzi borrowed from a fourth-grader picked up by the truancy cops. Avoid voting, but decry the low-lifes who seem, somehow, to keep getting elected again and again. Say another prayer for the next four years.

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