Men don't always see beauty beyond fat


September 11, 1994|By SUSAN DIETZ | SUSAN DIETZ,Los Angeles Times Syndicate

Q: In two recent columns of yours, men referred to fat women in a disparaging manner. A 51-year-old DWM apparently felt that being fat was the worst thing a woman could be. He stated, "I've found that the majority of women responding to my ad are really overweight, and this just isn't what I want."

Of course, he's entitled to his personal prejudice, but he may be throwing out a real gem. Has he looked in the mirror lately? Is his appearance perfect? You advised he should "get to know her because her inner self may be what you want." I doubt that he would ever give a fat woman a chance; he's too hung up on appearance. He would never let her inner beauty shine through.

Another column featured a man who said any "attractive woman who isn't grossly overweight will always be approached by someone." Here, again, being fat seems to be the worst possible situation that could happen to a woman.

Many women who are less than attractive by society's standards, be it fat or some other physical situation, aren't given a chance. I would say most of the time these women are nicer people because they can't depend on beauty alone to attract friends.

A: There are resources and support groups for people who see things the same way. If you'd like specifics, write to me.

Funny thing about weight: It is not the measure of a person. A woman I know met a man through mutual friends, an experience some might think a horrid date because of his obesity. This smart lady saw through the extra layers of flesh to the heart and soul of the outstanding man beneath. With her encouragement and loving care, he lost over 100 pounds while his cardiologist cheered him on. They married while he was still greatly overweight. I hope those men quoted in the letter above are reading this.

As a man grows older

Attention, men 45 and older: An important part of my current research centers on the aging male in our society. I need to know his hopes, fears, insecurities, joys. Write me about sexuality, romance and love relationships in your life. Tell me your values and your dreams. Tell me how sexual issues have changed since you were in your 20s. You need not sign your letter, but if you want, do so. Your privacy will be guarded. To help other men, tell me what it feels like to be an aging male in this society. Thank you.

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