A blue funk, thanks to Mr. Redhead

August 26, 1994|By Rob Hiaasen | Rob Hiaasen,Sun Staff Writer

And your backside didn't look so great, either. Now take off, Mr. Carrot-Top, Mr. Dump-Us-After-One-Lousy-Year, Mr. Hope-You-Choke-On-Your-Emmy . . .

(Calm down. Breathe deeply. Now, start over.)

Seriously, we all want to wish David Caruso the best darn luck in the movies. Mr. Caruso played Det. John Kelly on the most highly acclaimed drama on television, "NYPD Blue." With all the media fanfare of, say, someone leaving in a white Bronco, Mr. Caruso is leaving "NYPD Blue" after one season.

He wants to make movies and more money.

The show's producers say Mr. Caruso will be written out of the show by the fifth episode of the new season, which begins sometime in the next millennium. His replacement is former "L.A. Law" hunk-a-burnin' actor, Jimmy Smits.

How should Det. John Kelly exit "NYPD Blue"? We'll start with the most obvious and artistic way:

* The writers make him burn in heck, which is located geographically just one rung above the better H-word.

* Det. Kelly has a falling out with the precinct captain over salary. As a police officer with one (1) year of experience, Det. Kelly lobbies intensely -- but charmingly -- for a pay raise from his current $40,000 to $100,000 a week.

* Det. Andy Sipowicz discovers his partner's true blond roots, as both men dress in the locker room. Kelly is fired and then admits he isn't Irish, either.

* Det. Kelly is fired for spending too much time in the locker room.

* Det. Kelly is killed by a one-armed man. Harrison Ford guest stars.

* After one of his interrogations, Det. Kelly is forced to retire because he used the line, "Life is like a box of chawklits. You never know what you're gonna get." Police union unanimously upholds the decision.

The real crime, of course, is that David Caruso is taking down Amy Brenneman with him.

Ms. Brenneman is also being written out of the show after a few episodes. She played Janice Licalsi, who will stand trial for a mob murder in the new season.

Viewers suspected that Kelly and Janice were an item. (We say suspected because the only clues were those bedroom scenes where they rolled over each other, wearing nothing, not even their badges.)

So, thank you very much, Mr. David Caruso, Mr. You'll-Be-Back-For-May-Sweeps, Mr. You're-Nothing-Without-Sipowicz . . .

(Calm down, please. It's over now.)

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