Summer serves up a heaping helping of heat-tested truths

August 02, 1994|By SUSAN REIMER

True facts are always true. They do not melt in the summer heat, and you don't have to water them. They are still true after a late-afternoon summer thundershower, and they are still true when the tomatoes ripen.

And they will still be true when the kids go back to school.

Here are more true facts from a woman's life. As always, I am grateful to the women who have taught them to me.

* Lunch is a nuisance meal in the summer. You never know what the kids will eat. And nobody -- they in their play or you at your chores -- appreciates the interruption.

* If you don't feed your children lunch, they are more likely to eat what you make for dinner.

* With each successive child, a woman cuts her hair shorter.

* "What if everybody did it?" is still one of the best responses to questions from your children.

* Women don't really feel invigorated after aerobics. They crave a jelly doughnut and a nap.

* Your mother knows how to push your buttons because she installed them.

* Air conditioning means your neighbors don't have to hear just how crazy your kids drive you in the summer.

* At first, you give your child a few tiny slices from your pork chop. Then you have to cook him one of his own. And before you know it, he will be 11 years old and asking you if you want yours. And you give it to him.

* A merciful God has provided every child with at least one parent who can cope when he has to have stitches.

* "When you are finished, please . . . " (choose one)

a. put the lid down;

b. close the door;

c. throw the wrapper away;

d. put the dishes in the sink;

e. clean up this mess;

f. go to bed;

e. all of the above.

* When a child asks for money, his father will reach for his wallet. His mother will ask, "What for?"

* None of those batteries you are saving works. Either that, or they all do and you don't know it.

* Nights out with your husband used to be so glamorous. Now that you have kids, you'd be willing to sit in the car in the driveway as long as someone else puts them to bed.

* Common summer resolutions parents make for their children: no TV. Read for a half-hour every day. Practice math facts twice a week. Pick up your room before any friends can come over.

* Those summer resolutions have the staying power of ground meat on the kitchen counter in July.

* Women with children put 20,000 miles a year on their cars -- 1 1/2 miles at a time.

* Admit it. You have fed your children cereal for dinner.

* None of the pencils your children have used ever has any eraser left.

* Nothing makes you feel as good as an unsolicited compliment -- for your child.

* Sixty-eight percent of women polled by Redbook said men ought to worry more about how they look in swimsuits.

* Author Scott Peck calls parenting "a lifetime of heartbreaking servitude."

* Phrases such as "make him pitch to you" and "wait for your pitch" are not meaningful when yelled to a Little League batter. The only thing a parent should yell is something truly helpful, such as: "Tie your shoe."

* Products women are waiting for: stain-remover stick on a rope. You could hang it around your neck, where it would be handy when your kids get ketchup on their sleeves or you splatter tomato sauce on your blouse.

* You know your marriage has reached a dead spot when your husband gives you a World Cup T-shirt because he really believes you want one.

* Kids hate it when you lick your thumb and use it to scrub food off their faces.

* The number of minutes you can do on a Stairmaster bears absolutely no relation to how winded you feel after carrying the laundry upstairs.

* And the truest true fact of all: The more activities your children have, the more often you serve spaghetti for dinner.

To hear Susan Reimer read one of her columns, call Sundial and punch in the four-digit code 6156. See the SunSource directory on Page 2A for your Sundial number.

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