In praise of N.Y. models, cool air, mailed checks

July 11, 1994|By ROGER SIMON

Simon Says:

Q: How do you get a Baltimore driver to speed up?

A: Try to pass him.

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In the first six months of 1994, the homicide rate in Baltimore fell 18 percent, due in part, police say, to one of the coldest winters in history. Obvious crime solution: Dome the city and refrigerate the heck out of it.

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People who dress up their pets in little "outfits" are despicable.

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"Connections" on The Learning Channel (no relation to "The Love Connection") should be required viewing.

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The Clintons do not need a privately solicited defense fund. They could sign contracts today for many millions of dollars for autobiographies to be written after they leave office.

But, hey, why not take a free ride if you can get it?

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The rolls on most airplane flights could be used to protect the nose of the Space Shuttle.

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According to the Summer 1994 issues of the Prudential Health Care Plan newsletter: "This just in: word has it that top New York models are already sporting a wild new look that could take summer beach-goers by storm. They're wearing T-shirts under their bikini tops."

Gosh, life for a top New York model is exciting.

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Best suggestion I have heard in years: To speed postal delivery, pay postal workers by mail only. Put the checks in plain envelopes, and I'll bet carriers will set new land speed records getting the mail delivered.

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How desperate do you have to be to use those coffee makers some hotel rooms have next to the sink. Does anybody really like preparing breakfast in a bathroom?

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Soccer is a game made for highlight tapes.

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Confidential to Confused in Catonsville: The five grades of peers in order of descending status are: duke, marquess, earl, viscount and baron. But next time you see me on the street, you can just address me as "Your Above Averageness."

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A recent CBS piece on fallen sports heroes was especially repugnant when it lumped Mike Tyson and Pete Rose with Magic Johnson.

Contracting a disease is not the same thing as committing a felony.

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Right after we clean up the medical care industry, could we do something about the moving industry? Some of those guys should be issued masks to give us fair warning.

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Paperback Pick of the Month: "The Oracle at Stoneleigh Court" by Peter Taylor.

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Mickey Steinberg and Parris Glendening have been running for governor approximately forever, but Glendening chooses his running mate at the last minute and Steinberg chooses his at the last second?

These guys are making the Helen Bentley campaign look like a well-oiled machine.

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Only in America: Knife dealers report stilettos like the one O. J. Simpson allegedly bought in Los Angeles have sold out around the country and are now on a six-week back-order.

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This sounds goofy to me, but I am told it works: If you have to carry something without spilling it, just hum a tune while you are carrying it and you will not spill a drop.

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Is This A Great Country Or What Dept.: Some paint stores will give you paint sticks and paint hats for free.

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I get really angry when I am in a restaurant and see someone at a nearby table yakking on a cellular phone.

Such people should have the decency to make their calls in the same place they would change a diaper: in the washroom.

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Marcia Clark, the chief prosecutor in the O. J. Simpson case, is left-handed, as are Bill Clinton, George Bush, Ross Perot and Ollie North. I don't know the significance of this, but you can be sure Oliver Stone is going to make something of it in the movie version.

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