Oj Net

July 08, 1994|By DICK GEORGE

The other night I had a dream.

I got a phone call at home from a pleasant young woman who said ''Mr. George, my name is Debby and I'm calling to tell you about the OJ Network -- All O.J., All the Time. Yes, Mr. George, all your O.J. news needs can now be met in a single comprehensive cable service. We guarantee we will never interrupt our O.J. coverage for news on any other subject. If North Korea drops a nuclear bomb on South Korea, or on Washington, for that matter, you won't miss a single slow-motion close-up of O.J. in court. Our patented Nostril-Cam will go right up his nose as our emotion monitors speculate on whether he's depressed, edgy, distant or intense.

''Here are just a few of the stories our OJ NET staff is working on now:

* ''O.J. Simpson, boxers or briefs? Our reporters get the truth and a team of OJ Net psychiatrists tells us what it means.

* ''O.J. Simpson, What do you think? We are now producing people-in-the-street interviews with everyone in North America. People who do not commonly find themselves in the street will be dragged there by our OJ NET paramilitary news team.

* ''O.J., Oh What a Running Back. Highlights from his football career.

* ''O.J., Autograph Giver. Our handwriting experts analyze his distinctive O's and describe the torment and agony of the previously unknown 'Smiley-face syndrome.'

* ''O.J., Professional Nice Guy. We talk with O.J.'s ex-girlfriends, his ex-girlfriends' friends, their friends, people they know, others who have met people they know, and their friends and relatives two and three times removed.

* ''Nicole and what's-his-name. Are the victims being forgotten?

''All this and more. Mr. George, you'll know all the juicy details if you subscribe to OJ NET: All O.J., All the Time. Can I sign you up?''

That's when I woke up. I was relieved that it was just a bad dream, but I couldn't get back to sleep, so I turned on the TV. That's when I realized there's no waking up from this one.

Dick George writes from Baldwin.

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