Hey, NFL: Colts, Colts, Colts, Colts

June 28, 1994|By KEN ROSENTHAL

Baltimore Bolts.

Put a lightning bolt on the helmet. Or, better yet, a Mayflower van, to remind everyone of a certain NFL team that left -- bolted -- in the middle of the night.

What's the NFL going to do, file another lawsuit?

Rhyming nicknames, it's probably a felony.

Such confusion, it would cause.

Calamity.

Chaos.

Baltimore Colts, Baltimore Colts, Baltimore Colts.

That feels better.

Baltimore Colts, Baltimore Colts, Baltimore Colts.

Sue me.

NFL Dolts 1, CFL Colts 0.

Drop the case.

Start the crusade.

Oh, it isn't over yet -- the judge only issued a preliminary injunction, blah, blah, blah -- but once more the fix is in.

They robbed us of an expansion team, now they're robbing us of our football heritage -- again.

Legally, the NFL might be right.

But realistically, how many fans would have chosen not to buy Indianapolis Colts T-shirts because of the CFL Colts?

How many fans buy Indianapolis Colts T-shirts, anyway?

Heck, you can't confuse the products.

The CFL is a better game.

It's a cruel joke, the idea of Baltimore capitalizing on the "goodwill" created by those twin towers of evil, the Indianapolis Colts and the NFL.

Owner Jim Speros said it perfectly.

There is no goodwill.

Speros is attempting a teensy-weensy ripoff, compared to the ultimate ripoff of stealing a team.

Attention, Peter Angelos: Take a break from firing your manager and general manager, and do the dirty deed.

In the meantime, now that the Colts are headless horsemen -- the Baltimore Fill-In-The-Blanks -- it's time to get on with the crusade.

Team colors: Black and blue.

Team mascot: Oscar the Grouch.

Team song: "A Horse With No Name."

I've been through the desert on a horse with no name, it felt good to get out of the rain.

A few rowdy sellouts, and Sports Illustrated will come calling. From early reports, the CFL Colts, or whoever they are, look like a fairly strong team.

Let's swindle the CFL rights to Charlie Ward, and challenge Paul Tagliabue's Sun Belt expansion frauds, the Jacksonville Jaguars and Charlotte Panthers.

Even better, let's steal their nicknames.

It's open season now -- every NFL name is available, save the Colts. Speros can just choose a generic one, taking a page from our Canadian NHL brethren, the Winnipeg Jets, among others.

What's the NFL going to do, take us to court 29 times?

We can choose from our original wish list:

Baltimore Rams, Baltimore Raiders, Baltimore Buccaneers.

Or we can choose from the NFL zoo:

Baltimore Eagles, Baltimore Bears, Baltimore Lions.

Tagliabue would have a cow.

Such louts. Such ingrates.

This would never happen in Washington.

Baltimore Colts, Baltimore Colts, Baltimore Colts.

Take that, commissioner.

You too, Irsay.

We're the Miami of the CFL, the city in the southeastern corner of the league. Let's get the Grey Cup, and stage a party for the ages, complete with a Mardi Gras-style parade.

No corporate tents.

No three-hour halftimes.

And no suits.

Speros isn't exactly a martyr -- he's benefiting from the publicity, and the sales of all those CFL Colts T-shirts, even if the name change costs him $1.8 million, as he claims.

Still, he deserves your support.

At least he fought these creeps.

Is there such a thing as civic harassment?

First, Irsay kidnapped the Colts.

Then, Tagliabue rigged expansion.

And now, this latest insult, in the form of a temporary injunction.

Judge Larry J. McKinney, the hometown referee in Indianapolis, becomes the latest in a long line of villains, joining Irsay, Tagliabue, Jack Kent Cooke and the rest.

Baltimore Colts, Baltimore Colts, Baltimore Colts.

Let 'em sue, I'll plead temporary insanity.

Baltimore Bolts.

The NFL would sue again over a lightning bolt emblem -- it's the sacred property of the San Diego Chargers -- but maybe Zeus would toss one of his own in the direction of RFK Stadium.

If not, there's always the Mayflower van.

Drop the case; start the crusade.

.` Fight on, you Baltimore Colts.

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