To the Class of 1994 . . .

June 13, 1994|By Art Buchwald

TO THE graduating class of 1994 -- I salute you.

You are the future and will carry on the work our generation has started.

This is what we have to offer you: We are the only country on Earth that can give you a "fat-free" world.

Not to mention the myriad of diet drinks with all the necessary vitamins to make you healthy and alert.

When you leave this university you will have a choice of thousands of shampoos, moisturizers, overnight skin creams, sunscreens and perfumes so powerful that you will become irresistible to the opposite sex.

Wait, there's more. At this very moment you can purchase the car of your choice with no money down and 48 months to pay, not including tags, taxes and delivery charges.

As you walk around this great nation of ours you will notice store after store window painted white with large signs reading "For Lease" or "For Rent." We are leaving you all of them. Other stores carry equally large signs which say "Going Out of Business."

Everybody declaring bankruptcy looks to your generation to bail them out with taxpayers' money.

What else do we have for you? Go to any department store or shopping mall and we will give you a 50 percent discount plus 25 percent off the price marked on the tag. This offer is good until Saturday.

The sale has nothing to do with big D-Day reductions on refrigerators, television sets and Nintendo games.

We are offering you something that no other generation has ever had -- you can now win $40 million in the state lottery. All you have to do is pick the right six numbers, which should not be a problem, particularly if you are good at math.

Wait, there's more. Because we believe in you, we will provide health insurance to you at a price you can afford -- with a $5,000 deductible.

If you choose to go into government service we will guarantee you legal advice in case you have to give testimony before a special prosecutor.

And speaking of sexual harassment -- I urge you never to enter a room (any room) in an office building without witnesses. There are not enough lawyers graduating today to handle all the cases being filed by members of one sex or another who feel that they had been wronged.

My advice to the male graduates out there is that you carry a cellular phone at all times and, if someone in the office tries to hug you, call your mother.

Our generation is so proud of what your generation has accomplished. If you hadn't bought CDs with our money, God knows where the American music industry would be today.

Your devotion to rock music and concerts is the difference between a stagnant and thriving economy.

So the moment has come. As you accept your diploma remember that more than ever before your success depends on whether you wear Nikes or Reeboks.

My biggest hope for you this morning is that, when you are out in the cold world on your own, the person who delivers your Domino's pizza takes more than 30 minutes, so that you will not have to pay for it.

I also pray that whatever headache relief you take will act twice as fast as the one you took in the past.

Good luck. God bless.

And, if you have thank-you notes to write for your graduation gifts, do it fast before the U.S. postage rates go up.

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Art Buchwald is a syndicated columnist.

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