Being 'just friends' is impossible when you are really in love


June 12, 1994|By SUSAN DIETZ | SUSAN DIETZ,Los Angeles Times Syndicate

Q: I was dating this guy for five months. (We haven't met since last fall.) I called him the day after Thanksgiving to see what he was up to and ask if he wanted to come over, but he said, "No."

I care for, worry about and love him; all I ask for is his friendship. Where did I go wrong? I know he doesn't want to be serious, and neither do I. Am I wrong to want him as a friend?

A: Yes. The mistake you're making is not being honest about what you want from the relationship. If you love him and worry about him, you're in deeper than a friendship; your feelings are romantic. Admit that to yourself, and you will be able to face the truth about this relationship: It exists only in your mind. Then move on, sadder but wiser.

Q: How can someone be married for 15 years and one day have your wife tell you to leave because you lost your job? She said she doesn't need me any more, filed for divorce and told me I'm a loser and would never get anywhere.

Now when I meet a lady, I can't get close to her or tell her that I love her. What can I do?

A: You are not alone. Many men feel lost and desolate right after a sudden divorce, feeling they can never trust again. What you need right now is time, a recuperation period to get your thoughts and feelings in order. Dating is not for you right now. Concentrate on things other than socializing and women.

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