The painful fact is women know truth when we trip over it

May 24, 1994|By SUSAN REIMER

There are things in this life that are true. Absolutely true. Children think they know these things. Men talk like they do. But only women really know.

Here, then, is another glimpse inside the store of knowledge that has come to be known as True Facts. As always, I am grateful to those who have made these true facts known to me.

* Don't even look for the Scotch tape. Your children have already used it all up.

* "My mom lets me." The most common phrase uttered by a child to an adult not his parent. Almost always a lie.

* It is a common misconception that sleep-over means sleeping over at someone else's house. It does not. It means that after your child spends the night at another child's house, you have to do the sleeping part of it over sometime that next afternoon or your child will not be fit to live with.

* If you go back to bed after your children leave for school and ignore that ringing phone, it will be the school calling to tell you your child is sick and needs to come home.

* Where are all the spoons? Probably the same place all the other socks are.

* Old Russian proverb: Women do everything. Men do the rest.

* You know your child has reached adolescence when the field trip permission slips come home with "My parent will not be able to chaperon" already checked off.

* Only mothers put the caps back on the markers. That's because they paid for them.

* Men don't sing in church. Women would feel bad for the organist if they didn't.

* If your child has a sore throat and you take him for a strep test, he will not have strep throat. If you give him a couple of hard candies and send him to school, your child will have strep throat.

* Everything in your child's life should have a driver's side power lock -- just like the ones on car windows and car doors.

* Why is it that you can't remember where you put your car keys, but you can't forget any of those painful grade school injustices?

* Women don't read directions. Men don't ask for them.

* "I don't have any." Most common response by a child to an adult asking about homework. Almost always a lie, and you will find that out 30 minutes before bedtime.

* No matter how much laundry you do, the outfit your daughter absolutely has to wear is not clean.

* If your husband asks you, "Where do you keep it?" it means he wants you to go get it.

* If it is possible for your child to leave something at a friend's house -- hat, jacket, backpack, toys -- he will.

* Speed dial was not invented so that little girls who can't remember seven digits in a row can call their friends all afternoon.

* You are aging like your mother.

* Women bond around problems. Men don't acknowledge them.

* Let your neighbor put up the basketball hoop or the play gym. Then your children might actually use them.

* When the chorus performs at the school spring concert, your kid will be in the second row, all the way on the right, and her face will be blocked the entire time.

* The only time you ever lose weight is after you finally give in and buy something that fits.

* Every kid in the neighborhood is your child's best friend when you open a box of popsicles.

* Every year brings another body part to camouflage.

* It is bad enough when your son burps in public. But when your daughter does -- and responds to your horrified criticism by saying that "all the girls do" -- it makes you fear for the future of civilization.

* As soon as you save enough money to redecorate that room in your house, a car or a major appliance dies.

* Why are there never any Band-Aids? You know you bought some.

* No matter how much money you make, your credit card bill is always a shock.

* There isn't a laundry detergent made that gets baby throw-up off your good blouse.

* And the truest True Fact of them all: If you allow your child to push the grocery cart for you, he will run it into your Achilles' tendon.

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