These tales are Grimm, brother

May 20, 1994|By Kevin Cowherd

If classic children's stories were updated for TV:

"Cinderella" -- She's hot and looking for love! Sexy Cinderella (Shannen Doherty) is the girl from the wrong side of the tracks who finally lands her dream date with a wealthy prince (Woody Harrelson) after the two bump into each other at the Qwik-Mart.

They plan to attend the Valley High prom next week, which has Cindy scrambling to come up with the money for a new pair of shoes.

But will Cinderella's wicked stepmother (Beverly D'Angelo) put the kibosh on this budding romance?

"Pinocchio" -- Detective Joe Pinocchio (Tony Danza) is hot -- steaming mad, that is! And he's not gonna take it anymore! The entire 45th Precinct is laughing at his nose job, including his boss, Lt. Geppetto Edward (Edward James Olmos).

Plus the word is that local mob boss Stromboli (Joe Pesci) has hired a hit man to ice Pinocchio, subcontracting the job to the Chinatown Flying Dragons gang.

Finally, Pinocchio's being pressured by his beautiful girlfriend, Tina (Tia Carrera), to quit the force for a security guard job at Blockbuster Video.

"Goldilocks and the Three Bears" -- Something's out there, all right -- something evil!

An innocent hike through the woods turns into a night of terror when first-year medical student Goldilocks (Christina Applegate) stumbles onto a mysterious cabin owned by a coven of hairy extraterrestrials.

Forced to participate in a bizarre series of cryogenic experiments, she exacts a measure of revenge by eating the aliens' food and destroying their furniture.

Her boyfriend, scientist Jack Peterson (Brian Austin-Green) leads dramatic rescue operation spearheaded by 200 highly-trained ninjas -- but will they arrive in time?!

"Sleeping Beauty" -- The disease is called narcolepsy. It affects some 250,000 Americans -- and now it holds high-powered attorney Allison McCrea (Kirstie Alley) in its grip!

After dozing off during closing arguments in the biggest case of her career, Allison begins to suspect she's being poisoned by fellow attorney and chief rival Kate Steiner (Shelley Long).

Forced to sell her renovated 16th-century castle to pay her medical expenses, and with her marriage to oil tycoon Ben Kohler (Treat Williams) crumbling, the constantly sleepy Allison is on the verge of losing hope -- until a mysterious stranger (Patrick Swayze) arrives with the key to her future.

"Jack and the Beanstalk" -- No doubt about it, there's trouble in the 'hood!

Jack (Jaleel White) visits the hilltop home of his rapper idol (Snoop Doggy Dogg) and is enchanted with his new friend's gold-egg-laying hen, golden harp, CD player and late-model Mercedes.

Desperate to prove his own financial clout, Jack's dad (Sinbad) asks his boss (James Earl Jones) for a raise, triggering a series of hilarious incidents that end with Jack's dad being fired!

Or is he?!

"The Three Little Pigs" -- The place: the Badlands of South Dakota. The year: 2067. A nuclear holocaust has wiped out the human race, replaced by a race of highly intelligent pigs and vicious wolves divided into tribal factions and bent on destroying each other.

Three pig brothers experiment with various types of fortification, stalked by an alliterative, one-eyed wolf who carries a frightening secret from their past.

Voices: Jim Belushi, Dolph Lundgren, Theodore Bikel.

"Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" -- On vacation in Aspen, wealthy socialite Melissa Rogers (Farrah Fawcett) is kidnapped by a religious cult of seven short men, who brainwash her into performing mindless household chores at their heavily fortified forest compound, including vacuuming, cleaning the oven and sweeping out the machine gun nests.

Her family hires deprogammer Bobby Ellis (William Shatner), who infiltrates the cult by stooping over and pretending to be 4 feet tall.

But only after a tense stand-off with police SWAT units and a cross-country helicopter chase in pursuit of the cult leader known as Messiah (David Ogden Stiers) does Melissa learn the true price of freedom.

"Alice in Wonderland" -- Sarah (Crystal Bernard) is a troubled Seattle runaway who takes to the streets and becomes a teen-age hooker and LSD user after her parents divorce.

Now a courageous mom (Patty Duke) sets out to rescue her daughter, enlisting Sarah's new street friends White Rabbit (Brandon Call) and Mad Hatter (Macaulay Culkin) in a desperate race against time.

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