Mr. Lee serves Singapore Sling

April 15, 1994|By Kevin Cowherd

The following is another installment of "Ask Mr. Lee!" --the popular advice column by Lee Kuan Ho of the Singapore Home Affairs Ministry:

Dear Mr. Lee,

Our oldest boy, 16, was a straight A student. Recently he brought home a report card with two B's and a C. He's a member of the varsity basketball team and debate club and says he just doesn't have enough time to study.

How do we get him back on track?

-- M. O. Andrews, Chicago, Ill.

Lee Kuan Ho assumes the boy has already been caned, and that his insolence is the result of a drug problem or involvement in a criminal cartel.

Try this: Have two large men hold the boy down. Have another hold the boy's eyelids open with needle-nose pliers or salad tongs. Then, using your index and middle fingers, poke him suddenly in the eyeballs.

Many years ago, when Lee Kuan Ho visited your depraved country (where, it must be said, he feared for his life the entire time) he happened upon an enlightened television program called "The Three Stooges."

Well does he remember the character known as Moe, agitated beyond belief at the sociopathic behavior of Curly, delivering a two-fingered blow to the eyes of the larger man. This so stunned the one called Curly that he changed his ways immediately.Dear Mr. Lee,

I am worried about my husband. He just picked up his second speeding ticket in the last six months and now it looks as if our auto insurance payments will increase dramatically.

-- S. Burdett, Waco, Texas

You Americans make Lee Kuan Ho SICK! Often, as he watches on CNN and sees marauding bands of criminals paraded daily through your so-called "justice system," he must excuse himself in order to rush to the nearest bidet and retch.

Burly auto body shop owners who take up with psychotic under-aged trollops, deranged wives who slice their husbands as casually as they would an ear of corn, homicidal motorists who drive 75 mph through city streets and terrorize innocent citizens . . . Lee Kuan Ho would cane them all himself if only he had more frequent-flier mileage built up.

However, there is an even better method for curing the chronic speeder.

Is there a circus nearby? Have your husband bound with strong hemp, drag him to the center ring and have the elephant step on both his legs.Dear Mr. Lee,

I work as a cashier in a supermarket. The other day, an older gentleman who is one of our regular customers walked out without paying for a pint of ice cream. I'm sure this was inadvertent and that he simply forgot.

Should I mention this to the old fellow the next time I see him?

-- L. E. Wiznewski, Albany, N.Y.

Lee Kuan Ho has no desire to sound like the proverbial broken record, but a brisk whack or six about the buttocks with a sleek rattan cane is a fine deterrent to shoplifters.

A cinder block dropped on the thief's fingers from a height of 15 meters is also effective.Dear Mr. Lee,

Many years ago, you wrote a wonderful poem about the need for discipline in one's life. It was a tremendous inspiration to me. I clipped it and carried it for 15 years in my wallet. It was yellowed and dog-eared, but it always gave me strength.

Recently I read it again and left it on the night stand and the dog must have eaten it. Could you please print that uplifting poem again?

-- A. P. O'Dell, Williamsport, Pa.

With pleasure. Here it is:

"Spare the cane, go insane.

"WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

"Strike him across the back."

The same goes for ill-disciplined dogs, Lee Kuan Ho hastens to add.

Dear Mr. Lee,

Please settle an argument. I say the toilet paper should unroll from the top, but my boyfriend says it should unroll from the bottom. Who's right?

-- J. J. Paloma, Eugene, Ore.

Do not toy with Lee Kuan Ho. Many have tried, only to find themselves in a great deal of pain.

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