From the stock market to Packwood's plates

April 04, 1994|By ROGER SIMON

Simon Says:

It seems like the perfect time for an old joke:

Q: How do you make a small fortune on the stock market?

A: Start with a large fortune.

I hear the Postal Service is considering a new deal to help repair its damaged reputation: If your letter does not get to its destination within 90 days, you get the stamp for free!

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It may be a bad sign if you own more pairs of running shoes than books.

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I think Whitewater is one heck of a good story, but has anyone noticed that we're getting close to war with North Korea?

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Remember: If you are going to take your old underwear off your taxes, be sure to launder it before sending it to the IRS.

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Isn't it kind of petty not to invite the Germans to the 50th anniversary commemoration of D-Day? After all, they were there for the original.

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If you were having second thoughts about Jack Kevorkian, I think this qualifies for third thoughts: Now he says he will help a women with severe arthritis, but not terminally ill, commit suicide TTC unless she is given stronger painkillers.

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L Paperback pick of the month: "Chicago Loop" by Paul Theroux.

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A new feature: Books That Got Good Reviews But Stink Nonetheless: "Private Screening" by Richard North Patterson and "A Calculated Risk" by Katherine Neville.

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How soon before we can start complaining about the heat?

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Do you think there could be a few more TV magazine shows? The way it is now, I can almost tell them apart.

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The competition between long distance phone companies has grown so fierce that I hear AT&T will find you friends to call if you don't have any.

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Must reading: The April Atlantic Monthly article on "Wild About Convention Centers."

Summary: "Hundreds of cities expect that their new convention centers will bring economic benefits and urban regeneration. Most cities will be left with underused facilities and decades of debt. The desire for show place convention centers is inflamed by special interests, civic pride, and the sort of mob mentality that leads to gold rushes and bank runs."

If true, this might make state Sen. Mary Boergers' vote against expanding the Baltimore Convention Center in favor of expanding BWI not so anti-Baltimore after all.

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You know it's a haute cuisine restaurant when the Heinz bottle on the table is a fresh one.

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How many times a year do you actually use the sunroof of your car?

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Fresh idea for your next gathering: Instead of another boring dinner party, how about converting the dining room to a batting cage and letting your guests hit a few dozen fly balls? (Be sure to open the windows.)

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I have finally made the switch from a charcoal to a gas grill but have one question: How do you get those little rocks out of the bottom when you're done?

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How come people who leave their phone numbers on your answering machine always do so about five times too fast?

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Nothing gives greater insight into your character than what you hang on the walls of your home.

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If I hadn't seen them with my own eyes, I might not have believed it:

The Oregon plates on Bob Packwood's car read: MASADA.

Masada is a hilltop fortress in Israel where in A.D. 73 some 960 Jewish Zealots committed suicide rather than surrender to a besieging Roman legion.

The Seattle Times says Packwood got the plates last year after the Senate Ethics Committee began investigating him.

Hey, Bob, lighten up.

Even if you are found guilty, there's no way you are going to lose your job. And I hear Congress has a swell pension plan.

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