Magazines not too proud to beg

March 22, 1994|By Kevin Cowherd

People talk about pressure, but if you want real pressure, try letting a magazine subscription lapse.

As my subscription to a well-known sports magazine ran out, I received the following letters:

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Dear Subscriber: Just a gentle reminder that your subscription is due to expire after six more issues.

Simply fill out the enclosed card and you'll continue to receive the very best reporting and commentary on the world of sports -- all at 20 percent off the newsstand price!

Renew today and we'll send you a free Michael Jordan poster!

Dear Subscriber: Apparently you did not receive our earlier notice indicating that your subscription is running out -- like everyone else, we'll blame it on the postal service!

But we know you'll want to get in on all the action of major league baseball, pro and college football and basketball, hockey and much, much more!

Fill out the enclosed card and settle back with the world's premier sports magazine for 30 percent off the newsstand price!

Don't be left out! Renew today and we'll include a free video of Michael Jordan's greatest dunks!

Dear Subscriber: We fear that our previous letters to you have somehow been misplaced. If you have small children, one may have inadvertently tossed it in the wastebasket. Or perhaps the dog got hold of it. We understand.

Although your subscription expires after just three more issues, it's not too late to guarantee uninterrupted coverage of the wide world of sports, including riveting profiles of all your favorite athletes!

All this at -- hold onto your cap -- 40 percent off the newsstand price!

Renew today and we'll send you a Michael Jordan-autographed basketball and our annual full-color Swimsuit Calendar, featuring six of the sexiest models from Bimini to Baffin Bay!

Don't delay! We want to hear from you!

Dear Subscriber: We're curious. Is it something we said?

Frankly, we can't understand how any red-blooded sports fan could pass up this offer -- the world's most incisive sports journal, now at an incredible 50 percent off the newsstand price!

Each week, we'll bring you the thrills and spills, the highlights and lowlights of the world of sports. We'll tell you who's up, who's down and who's out for the count!

Renew today and you'll receive a personal thank-you call from Michael Jordan himself!

(Sorry, one call per subscriber, conversation limited to 10 minutes!)

Dear Subscriber: We're sorry, but we can't understand this! Are you telling us you're not interested in being kept totally up-to-date on everything happening in the world of sports -- all for an unbelievable 60 percent off the newsstand price?!

Planning a birthday party? Renew today and we'll have Michael Jordan stop by your party to entertain and sign autographs!

You'll want to get out the camcorder when you and your guests go one-on-one in the driveway with the greatest basketball player the world has ever known!

So fill out that card today! The clock is ticking down!

Dear Subscriber: Is this what you want? Our circulation manager, Mr. Lawrence O'Neil, is literally down on his knees as we type this, begging that you renew your subscription!

Sure, it's degrading! It's degrading to Larry and our entire staff! But when it comes to our preferred readers, we're not too proud to humble ourselves in order that you continue receiving the world's most complete sports magazine -- now at a never-before-offered 70 percent off the newsstand price!

Renew today and we'll have Michael Jordan spend the holiday of your choice with you and your family!

(Sorry, Thanksgiving, Christmas or Easter, only! Subscriber must guarantee king-size bed.)

P.S. -- This will be our final notice! If we do not hear from you shortly, we will assume you no longer have an interest in subscribing to our magazine.

Dear Former Subscriber: While your subscription to the world's most complete sports magazine may have run out, it's not too soon to be thinking of a new subscription!

Why not take a moment and fill out the enclosed card?

Subscribe today and receive a free Michael Jordan poster!

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