A perfect accessory

March 03, 1994|By Art Buchwald

ZOLTAN, a millionaire Hollywood producer, is the proud owner of a .45 semi Snout and showed it to me when we were driving to the racetrack in his Rolls-Royce.

"I keep Adolph right here on my lap," he confided. "If anybody gives me trouble I go POW."

"Do you ever get the urge to shoot a person even if he didn't do anything?"

"Sure, I get the urge. If someone gets too close to me or cuts me off, he could find himself in Flanders Field alongside the poppies."

Suddenly Zoltan whispered to me, "While we've been driving I've noticed three cars that could possibly ram my Rolls-Royce and total it. I have a good mind to fire a warning shot over their hoods."

I said, "I don't see them."

"Over there -- the Pontiac with the two guys wearing baseball caps who are pointing at me, then the guy who's always looking back at his mirror to keep his eye on me. Finally there's the car that passed me a half-hour ago, and the driver laughed at me. My finger is getting itchy."

"Wait," I said, "if you make a mistake they'll give you 10 years. Maybe they're not even looking at the Rolls or, even if they are, it's only out of envy, not hostility."

Zoltan snorted, "You don't have any idea what it's like to own a Rolls. Everytime I go to the theater someone is waiting to pounce. I drive to the mall and someone follows me home and sticks me up in my driveway."

"If everyone hates people in Rolls-Royces, why don't you drive a Honda?"

Zoltan almost went through the roof of his car. "With my money who'd want to own a Honda?"

"Anybody who doesn't like to worry about being followed."

"It wouldn't be fair to trade in my Rolls for a Honda," Zoltan said. "What would I do with Adolph?"

Art Buchwald is a syndicated columnist.

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