With this weather, when do you dissect the frogs?

February 25, 1994|By Art Buchwald

THE trouble with a cold winter is that you don't know who to blame for it. Scientists say that it is the fault of the jet stream, which is coming in from Alaska instead of Hawaii. Bob Dole claims that the blame lies with Clinton's health plan.

Then the question arises, why didn't Willard Scott tell us what to expect? He kept accepting apple pies from grandmothers in Dubuque, but he didn't warn us about the blizzards until it was too late. Then we had to close down practically every school in the country.

That's another thing I would like to bring up. The class of 1994 from kindergarten to college has been closed for more than half the winter, and this might produce the most illiterate bunch of students since the blizzard of 1889.

"Blauvelt, I want to know why you wrote such a poor paper on dissecting a frog?"

"I didn't go to school that week, sir. We had a snowstorm followed by sleet and rain that turned into ice and a wind-chill factor of minus 30. I couldn't do anything but play the Grateful Dead for seven days."

"I understand. But why didn't you study after the storm was over?"

"I was going to but, as you recall, a heavy band of moisture got mixed with an arctic blast from Canada and dumped 12 inches of white doo doo on the Northeast, which closed BWI and all the other airports. You just can't get into the mood to dissect frogs in that kind of weather."

"When were you planning to dissect the frog?"

"As soon as CNN gave us the green light."

"Blauvelt, we can't let winter interfere with the education of the country. Just because the school buses don't run doesn't mean our education stops. Do you realize what will happen to this country if the next generation does not know how to dissect a frog?"

"If it would stop snowing I would do it. It's impossible to find a

frog with all this slush around."

"Blauvelt, it's not just a frog that I'm worried about. Half the nation's basketball teams have been frozen inside Greyhound buses. You can't have an education in America without basketball."

"What has that got to do with me?"

"I don't know, but America is falling behind the Russians because they know how to live with snow and sleet and our children don't."

"I guess you're right, sir, but does that mean that I'll get an 'F' in frog dissection?"

"No, unfortunately, we can't flunk anybody in anything or all the classes will back up. The only people who seem to have benefited are the kindergarten students who majored in snowflakes."

"Sir, do you believe that the ice and sleet will handicap us when we go out looking for a job?"

"If I were you I wouldn't tell anyone that you spent the entire winter semester in front of a blazing fire. We have no idea how the students will turn out for having missed so many school days. President Clinton better get on the ball and declare every holiday between now and the Fourth of July a school day, or Johnny is going to wind up a lot dumber than he is already."

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