Live-in boyfriend wants other women


January 30, 1994|By Susan Dietz | Susan Dietz,Los Angeles Times Syndicate

Q: My boyfriend, 41, and I, 35, are living together after dating for a year.

The problem? He's very verbal about his yens for other women and is always commenting about them. I can't exactly say that I'm jealous because of this, but it makes me feel uneasy. I feel that if he were satisfied with me, he wouldn't be "looking around." It embarrasses me and turns me off. I feel it's very disrespectful of me.

I've tried to talk to him about it, but he says, "Should I wear blinders?" Then we end up arguing, which only makes matters worse. He tells me I'm the one with the problem.

That problem is the only one we have. I would never disrespect him in the same way, and I absolutely love him. But his actions are hurting me tremendously.

I've had plenty of boyfriends before this one, and this issue was never the problem. I wonder if this man is ready for a relationship. Please give me some insight into this problem before it ruins the best, most exciting and otherwise loving relationship I've ever had.

Q: The problematical man in your life may be broadcasting the message that he is not ready for one woman, and no one woman is enough for him. His roving eye is a symptom, a red-alert that all is not well in the relationship, and no one can sort that out but him. My advice is to call a halt to life as usual -- and announce that you want a trial separation. (Shock therapy may make him realize the depth of your discomfort and the foolishness of his behavior.) He is diminishing you with his restlessness, and if he doesn't want to be left without you or love, he should shape up. Staying with him would make you lose self-respect, and that is too big a price to pay.

Q: The descriptions used in personal ads are the reason so many people are having trouble finding a partner.

The term most often used by these seekers is "professional." This denotes that their personal life takes second place to their work life.

The second most-prevalent descriptive term is "financially secure." Now, either these people are unschooled in the realities of economics or they are looking for the 10 percent of the population that has a positive cash flow. And if they are, they are indeed in for a challenge. Economic status is highly volatile; statistics show that in any 10-year span, one-half of the multimillionaire group no longer qualifies to be in it.

A: Personal ads have favored status in this corner as a viable option for meeting good people; I know several people whose lives have been brightened because they used the personal column. But they have their dark side, too, when expectations are unrealistic and phone calls are not put to wise and thorough use. Words can affect those expectations if not used with care and precision.

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