Woman, 59, should find a younger man

SINGLE FILE

January 23, 1994|By SUSAN DEITZ | SUSAN DEITZ,Los Angeles Times Syndicate

Q: I'm 59, a college graduate and at an age where it seems impossible to find men. I am active but find the men my age look only at the younger women. I want someone physically and mentally active, and the ones who fit the bill just don't see women my age. I'd have to go up 10 years to find an eligible man, and almost 70 is very different from 59 in most cases. Have any suggestions?

A: Fasten your safety belt; it's going to be a bumpy ride when I suggest you start seriously looking at younger men. Yes, I know the arguments against: wrinkles, mother complex, looking older and aging faster than he does. But in the final analysis, a woman of 60 is more like a man of 40 than she is like a man of 70. His attitudes, his philosophy, his view of women tend more in her direction; they can meet on a mental plane, and as for the physical . . . well, European women have known about the joys of younger men for eons.

Q: I've just had my first date with a divorced woman. We had a very good time, but she said she wanted to take things slowly. Later, she asked if she still got a good-night kiss, and so we kissed. The message was a lot different from her words. I'm not sure how to proceed.

A: Lips can say one thing when the mind rules and something totally different when the passions are aroused. But in the end, the head wins out in a situation like this. Best to do as she said, and go very slowly. Avoid rushing her. Use your head and set the pace.

Q: My girlfriend recently dumped me to "find herself." She had centered her life around me for nine months and then found she needed to have her own life. (Rightfully so, but I never forced her to live her life for me.) I still care for her and can tell she feels the same. But she says we can't be friends. Help!

A: Your girlfriend painted herself into a corner . . . and then had to flee the scene entirely. She wrapped her very existence around a man and is (understandably) leery of a repeat performance. It's up to you to convince her that you never wanted that kind of love.

Support her in the quest of selfhood; it is a sign of maturity and can only be a good thing for both of you in the long run. For now, be patient, loving, supportive. And get things going in your own life, too. (Dating others is an issue that should be discussed.)

But make sure she knows that independence can -- and should -- exist within a love partnership; she can have her identity and you too.

Q: I'm 29, and it seems that everyone around me is getting married. But I just haven't met the one I think is right for me. I feel that somewhere in my life I messed up.

A: Don't panic. Decisions made in its frenzy are always wrong, dreadful miscalculations. Besides, it's much too early to begin seeing negative patterns and blaming yourself for bad judgment. Hitting 30 may be a good time to re-examine the past and learn from its mistakes, but there is so much possibility ahead of you . . . Look forward, to the future.

As for your peers, well, each of us has our own timetable. What is right for some is not right for others. And -- seriously -- I've found that the late-bloomers seem to make keener decisions because they have more life experience and know themselves better. And that's not feel-good pap! Relax, take your foot off the gas a bit and go have fun. The woman right for you will come on the scene if you stay involved and out in the world. As the song goes, you can't hurry love.

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