The Year Of Nafta, Nasa And No More Michael Jordan Happy New Year! Happy 1994! Dave Barry's Not-so-fond Farewell To 1993

TO WIT

January 02, 1994|By DAVE BARRY

JANUARY

1 -- President-elect William Jefferson Rodham Kennedy Clinton, preparing for the task of being the most powerful human on Earth after 4,000 straight months on the campaign trail, sits down with his top aides and a complete set of the World Book Encyclopedia to learn about all these foreign countries.

13 -- The nomination of Zoe Baird, Clinton's choice for attorney general, appears to be in trouble following reports that she is an illegal alien.

16 -- In a highly symbolic display of symbolism, Bill Clinton and Al Gore begin a historic ride from Monticello, near Charlottesville, Va., to Washington, in the exact same bus that Thomas Jefferson used.

18 -- In a disturbing omen, the Clinton-Gore bus, having changed direction over 250 times, is still in the Monticello parking lot.

23 -- Zoe Baird is forced to withdraw her name from nomination following a tense 18-hour standoff with agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.

24 -- Violently anti-American, pro-terrorist, religious fanatic Sheik Omar Abdel-Rahman arrives in New York with a suitcase containing 100 pounds of high explosives and a detailed map of the World Trade Center. He tells U.S. immigration authorities he is here "to see a Knicks game."

FEBRUARY

12 -- Keeping a campaign promise, President Clinton signs a Family Leave Bill granting employees who have new babies the legal right to leave their families and come to work and get some sleep.

15 -- After a frantic search, President Clinton picks Janet Reno to be his attorney general, citing her "tremendous height." Sen. Bob Packwood is hospitalized after he attempts to give Reno what his aides claim was "only a congratulatory hug."

16 -- Revealing his new tax plan, President Clinton states that, because of this deficit thing, he will have to increase taxes, but only on the rich, defined as "anybody who owns more than one shoe."

28 -- Near Waco, Texas, agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, suspecting firearms violations in the Branch Davidian compound, smoothly execute an action plan masterminded by Wile E. Coyote.

MARCH

8 -- Seeking to reduce violence in the high schools, the New York City School Board, in a move strongly supported by the teachers, votes to ban students.

20 -- Scientists for the Tobacco Institute, after a 17-year study, release a report stating that there is "absolutely no scientific evidence" that people who purchase cigarettes do so with the intention of smoking them.

25 -- On a positive note, U.S. government economists report that the job outlook is very strong if you are a U.S. government economist.

APRIL

11 -- In his first major foreign-policy address, President Clinton announces that he has located Somalia on the map and decided that our mission will be to feed starving people and capture the evil fugitive warlord General Mohamed Farah Aidid so that he (President Clinton) can go over there and have a town meeting and straighten everything out.

14 -- Mia Farrow, through her lawyer, presents documents linking Woody Allen to the World Trade Center bombing.

28 -- True item: Officials in Tacoma, Wash., discover that 18-year-old Frank Daltron, scheduled for induction into the Tacoma Youth Hall of Fame, is awaiting retrial on charges of first-degree murder after having admitted that he killed his mother with an ax. The Youth Hall of Fame motto is "Ordinary Youth Doing Extraordinary Things."

MAY

1 -- True item: The space shuttle Columbia manages to get aloft, carrying with it a batch of brewing beer as part of a University of Munich experiment to determine, according to an Associated Press story, "whether the weightlessness and intense cosmic rays of space can genetically alter yeast to produce tastier beer."

5 -- NASA officials begin to suspect that the crew of the space shuttle Columbia has been messing around with the cosmic beer experiment when a crew member attempts the first nude spacewalk.

9 -- Buckingham Palace reports "very strong" sales of the three-volume Prince Charles Cellular Phone Tapes.

27 -- The Clinton administration fires the White House travel staff and, after conducting what a representative describes as "a totally objective nationwide search" to find a replacement, selects, as the new travel director, Roger Clinton. Asked by the press about his qualifications, the president's half-brother states that he has "taken several, whaddyacallem, planes."

JUNE

3 -- True item: A rookie Greyhound bus driver, driving the red-eye from Atlanta to Tallahassee on his first solo trip, gets sleepy and has a passenger take over the wheel for the rest of the trip. The driver is fired when the bus reaches Tallahassee.

4 -- The fired Greyhound driver is immediately hired by Exxon to pilot oil tankers.

14 -- President Clinton, leaving himself open to charges that his administration has "gone Hollywood," nominates Barbra Streisand to the Supreme Court.

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