Person of the year, you'll agree, is quite a guy

December 24, 1993|By MIKE LITWIN

It's that time of year again. The mistletoe is hung with care. And, boy, is it ever crowded underneath.

You've got the Donald and Marla. You've got Julia and Lyle. You've got Jack Kent Cooke and Joe De Francis. You've got Rush Limbaugh and his favorite person -- himself -- in a real smooch-athon. You've got the prez and, if you believe the stories, half the women in Arkansas.

And I've got this big stack of holiday greetings that never got sent out. Jackie McLean promised she'd do it, but it seems she got some of the addresses mixed up.

L So, I'm forced to send them the cheap way. Meaning, you pay.

Here goes. Happy Holidays:

To Al Gore, for kicking some Ross Perot butt. To Denny's, for the great service.

To Boogie, for caring.

To the Guv, for caring too much.

To Channel 54 (where are you?), for bringing us Dave.

To Chevy, for showing how Fox matches up with CBS.

To Meat Loaf, for reminding us why we forgot the '70s.

To Bobby Joe Jim Bob Ray Inman, for the back taxes. We need the money.

To Michele McCloud and Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.

To Rafael Palmeiro, for daring to go where the NFL dared not.

To Robert Stone, ditto.

To Jacksonville, which refuses to come into focus even with the new and improved Hubble.

To Kramer, for the power.

To John Arnick, for the (however brief) power outage.

To Joey Buttafuoco, for the mole.

To J. Edgar Hoover's biographer, for showing that tough guys can wear black chiffon, too.

To Reginald Denny, for understanding.

To Ted Danson, for the blackface.

To Ed Rollins, for the red face.

To Jane Campion, for a chick flick with hair on its, uh, chest.

To Sir Charles Barkley, for knowing he's not a role model.

To every writer who's not Robert Waller, John Grisham, Michael Crichton or Tom Clancy.

To Jim and Sarah Brady, for hanging in there.

To Alan, Dave, Heis, Hoff, Mitch and Tony, they know why.

To Peter Angelos, for locating the Orioles' team checkbook.

Prediction No. 1 for 1994: Helen Bentley turns down $100,000 from unnamed lobbyists to arm-wrestle Mickey Steinberg.

Prediction No. 2: Steven L. Miles changes his name to Shecky and moves his practice to the Catskills.

Prediction No. 3: The remaining Beatles get back together for a reunion, with Snoop Doggy Dogg taking John Lennon's place.

Prediction No. 4: Sally Thorner will injure herself while rehearsing her patented quick-change, frown-to-smile and will miss the first three months of the year.

Bonus question, worth 20 points: Does Eli Jacobs remind you more of Beavis or Butt-head?

Now, the gift list: Michael Jackson, maybe not quite so many thrills.

Gregg Olson, healed tendons.

Jackie McLean, a heartfelt apology on behalf of all the media for hounding you with impertinent questions. Next time, we'll just write you a check.

Bob Packwood, another diary -- this one with a lock.

Jack Kent Cooke, more Hardy, less Laurel.

Ron Price, advice that you may want to cool that sexual-addiction talk in prison, if you know what I mean.

Frank Robinson, the job he deserves.

Princess Di, the entire Jane Fonda home-workout collection.

Ross Perot, a hobby.

Lorena Bobbitt, ditto.

Frank Zappa, a freakin' cacophonous, double-album, one-more-time good-bye.

NationsBank, a one-way ticket back to Charlotte.

Howard Stern, a bigger bathrobe.

Harvey Keitel, a Fruit of the Loom six-pack.

Julia Roberts, thanks for giving all geeky guys hope.

The National Football League, thanks for nothing. Again.

Finally, as a special holiday treat, the Mike Littwin Person of the Year. The nominees are Yassir Arafat, Paul Tagliabue, Hillary Rodham Clinton, David Letterman and, of course, Mike Littwin.

And the winner is: Paul Tagliabue. The vote was unanimous. And his prize is one week in a locked room with William Donald Schaefer.

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