Is it a lie or is it Memorex?

December 17, 1993|By Kevin Cowherd

Sen. Bob Packwood appears to have tampered with the tape-recorded diary being sought by Ethics Committee investigators, Senate lawyers charged yesterday.

-- Baltimore Sun

Feb. 14 -- Uh . . . is this thing on? Testing, testing. It's on? In regard to that, uh, incident at the restaurant . . . I may have misspoke earlier.

While I may have, uh, appeared to be lunging at that young lady in the cloakroom, I was actually helping her with her jacket, after which she said: "Senator, you are the most honorable and decent man I know. If there were only more men and women such as yourself in public office, this country would not be going down a huge rathole, led by the likes of the senior Democratic senator from Massachusetts and others of his ilk."

Then she asked if, by way of thanks, she could give me a peck on the cheek.

Naturally, I said no.

March 3 -- I don't know . . . they said to press this button when the red light comes on. Is it on? This is, um, an addendum to my remarks about Rosa. Rosa was a comely aide who worked for me for many years, given to wearing tight skirts and clingy . . . never mind.

Anyway, she recently took a new job. On her last day with us, she came to me with, um, tears in her eyes and said: "Senator, never has a woman been treated with more courtesy and respect, which may come as a surprise to the cabal of vicious, Democratic back-stabbers in the Senate determined to undermine your exemplary 24 years of service to the people of Oregon."

She then presented me with a small ceramic coffee mug on which was inscribed: World's Greatest Boss!

"Sir," she said, "may I hug you?"

Of course I said no.

April 22 -- I pressed the "Record" button, dammit! Oh, wait . . . we're rolling now. Yes, well, something interesting happened in the Senate elevator today.

We were squeezed in pretty tight. Suddenly, the gal next to me, a muckety-muck with some trade commission, very attractive in a bosomy sort of way, whispered: "There is something about you, sir, that I find wildly desirable. Here is the key to my room at the Four Seasons, where I will await you in a naughty, low-cut silk teddy."

"No," I whispered back, "there will be none of that, my good woman. That is hardly conduct becoming the noble office of a United States senator."

At this, she grew, um, angry.

"I will make trouble for you," she whispered again. "As anyone can plainly see by my cold, vacant eyes, I am a borderline psychotic and would have no trouble lying under oath that the two of us have been involved in a steamy, long-term affair, a story your cowardly Democratic enemies in the Senate would relish, indeed."

"Why, you little tramp!" I said under my breath. "Away with you!"

Unfortunately, none of the other 22 people in the elevator overheard our conversation.

Thankfully, I have not heard back from the young woman.

I assume she is in a mental institution.

June 11 -- Testing . . . I knew we should have bought a Sony. There has been some, uh, speculation as to how Mrs. Packwood got her job. Some in the media have suggested that I approached various lobbyists on her behalf. Nonsense.

I did have occasion to visit the office of a, uh, mining consortium -- where, by the way, I did not kiss or grope anyone, or permit myself to be kissed or groped.

Seeing me, the vice president of the firm, an old friend, rushed up and said: "Senator, despite her rusty bookkeeping and typing skills, we would be honored if Mrs. Packwood would come to work for us at an annual salary of $250,000, per diem expenses included."

"Excellent!" I said. "Although don't be surprised if Kennedy, Moynihan and that bunch try to paint this as something that it clearly isn't."

I exchanged a firm handshake with his aide, Gloria, and left.

Aug. 22 -- In my, uh, private journal entry the other day, I mentioned that several staff members happened on my receptionist, Elizabeth, and I as we appeared to be, uh, sprinting around the conference table.

It should be noted that I was merely trying to collect my telephone messages, after which Elizabeth said: "Senator, there a sober, business-like air around you, fully in keeping with the gravity of the office. Yet there is also a playfulness there that the public at large, and certainly most Democratic members of the Senate, might occasionally misinterpret."

She is a wonderful young woman, although perhaps growing a little too fond of me.

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