More on Hubble troubles and moans on sidelines

December 13, 1993|By ROGER SIMON

Simon says:

Did you ever wonder what Chanel Nos. 1-4 must have smelled like?

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I don't understand people who wear T-shirts with the names of places they've never been to.

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It's downright scandalous that it cost taxpayers $649 million to fix the Hubble Space Telescope. Especially since I hear Lens Crafters offered to do it for $69.95 and have it ready in an hour.

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And speaking of the Hubble, I was watching a live broadcast of the repair and saw one of the astronauts floating in space holding a nut in his hand and asking for instructions because he didn't have any place to put it down. Note to NASA: Put pockets in those spacesuits!

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Is Conan O'Brien still on the air?

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If you want to see real athletes, tune in to 9-ball on ESPN sometime.

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Let Me Get This Straight: The National Weather Service issues a small craft advisory, but the El Toro II goes out anyway, sails into a gale, the boat sinks, two people die, but now we're supposed to believe it's all an act of God and nobody is to blame?

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You can tell a lot about a person by whether he brings the thread to the needle or the needle to the thread. (Or sends it to the laundry to have somebody else sew the button on.)

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Anyone who owns more than six pairs of shoes is just showing off.

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Let's admit it: Fireplaces are more trouble than they're worth.

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People who still have pumpkins sitting out on their front stoops should be beaten with sticks.

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I'll bet red cars get more speeding tickets than any other color.

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Let Me Get This Straight II: First we say we want a football team, but now we say we don't because it would be in Laurel rather than Baltimore.

Last I checked, both were in Maryland.

I think some people just like to moan. I think some people would rather moan than have a football team.

Gov. William Donald Schaefer is wrong on this issue, and Lt. Gov. Melvin A. Steinberg is right.

"It's time we think on a statewide basis and end parochialism," Steinberg said. "We should do what's best for the state of Maryland."

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Does anyone still get a Christmas goose? (Please, I'll handle the jokes.)

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Is it true that Fabio is a holographic projection and does not really exist?

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Far too many people are incapable of driving and talking at the same time.

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About 50 percent of all the chess sets you see in catalogs are set up incorrectly.

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Confidential to Confused in Catonsville: It is lucky to pick up a penny on the street, but only if it is head-side up. If it is tail-side up and you pick it up, it will bring you bad luck.

Think I'm kidding? In 1966, a little girl picked up a penny in the street that was head-side up. The next day, she decided to change her name from Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone to just Madonna. Today, she is a big, big star.

On that same day, Chevy Chase picked up a penny that was tail-side up and he vowed to someday host his own talk show.

So don't say I didn't warn you.

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If companies packed their shipments in ordinary popcorn rather than those horrible foam "peanuts," they would not only help the environment, but give us something to munch on. (And popcorn does just as good a job.)

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Paperback picks for December: "Natural History" by Maureen Howard, "Clockers" by Richard Price, "Red Square" by Martin Cruz Smith and "Duplicate Keys" by Jane Smiley.

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The decline of the American deli can be dated from the day they started switching from yellow mustard to brown.

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