Today's sad love songs depress reader


November 28, 1993|By SUSAN DIETZ | SUSAN DIETZ,Los Angeles Times Syndicate

Q: It seems next to impossible to get men and women together these days without major problems developing. And music is part of it.

I work in the music industry, and I feel today's mainstream music has a very bad influence on society; I'm not talking about rap or heavy metal, but music you hear on adult contemporary radio stations. Listening to the lyrics leaves me so depressed, I prefer being alone to going through the nightmare of a relationship. Until the stations change their music, I refuse to listen. Agree?

A: Agree, but not totally. There still lurks the question, Which came first? Does music set the tone of our relationships, or is it merely the mirror bouncing back the images of our attitudes? Since I believe music is reflection, not direction, I won't shut it out, when turning the dial can put an entirely different spin on love.

Q: About a year ago I fell in love with a woman who led me to believe she loved me in return. This lady had been battered in the past, and I slowly gained her trust -- and according to her -- her love. I did all I could to bring her happiness. As time went on, though, she began to spend large amounts of time with her closest girlfriend, and my disappointment weakened me, so I put up with a lot of mental abuse from her. The worse she treated me, the harder I tried to win her love.

The deal was that she had been making a choice of sexual preference, and she chose her girlfriend over me. She says I did nothing wrong, and she still wants to be my friend, but I cannot deal with the situation.

I feel rage when I see her with this other girl, partly because all this went on behind my back and I was too naive to see it. It makes me angry at myself. I've never had animosity toward gay people, but it's very bad for someone to use another person as a shield to hide their preference from society.

I feel so soured, I am afraid I may never trust again. My counselor says I am sensitive and too hard on myself.

A: Most people would be as trusting as you were in the situation, because the truth was so far out of the mainstream. So, rather than admonishing yourself for what you didn't do, take the challenge to learn from the experience. You allowed yourself to be treated badly because you didn't want to lose the relationship. That was your major mistake, not being trusting or naive. If you had stood up for yourself, the situation would have been exposed much sooner -- and you would have known that you had done all you could do.

Your task now, as you work with your counselor, is to probe the reasons for your insecurity while understanding why you chose this woman who was problematical from the start. She had her agenda and you had your illusions. You are better off without both.

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