A veritable feast of personalities

November 24, 1993|By Kevin Cowherd

Thanksgiving dinner with:

HOWARD STERN: "Yo, sweetie, pass the cranberry sauce. What's your name? Laurie? Yeah, lemme ask you something, Laurie: Are you stupid? Because only a real friggin' moron would pass the mashed potatoes when I asked for the friggin' cran . . . holy geez, who's the babe at the end of the table? Will ya look at the pumpkins on her! Who is that? Is that my sister-in-law Andrea? Yo, Andrea! Nice (BLEEPS)!

(Everyone at the table groans.) " What? I say something wrong? No, really, tell me! What, you can't say (BLEEPS)?! It's not like I said (BLEEPS), right?

(More groans.) "What is it with you people? I thought the Puritans died 300 years ago. Robin, someone called me a misogynist today. You believe that? So I smacked her!

(Groans.) " What?! What'd I say now? Sweetie, the cranberry sauce. Today, all right?"

*

DAVID LETTERMAN: "Ohh-kay. Let's see . . . the mayor of Baltimore, Kurt Schmoke, ladies and gentlemen. SCHHH-MOKE! I don't have a joke here . . . just love saying that name. SCHHH-MOKE!

"Let's see . . . what're we doing next? Gravy, I guess. Gravy on the mashed potatoes. Do we have time for this? Paul?"

(Paul swallows a forkful of dressing, smiles and points at Dave. Dave fires a pea at him with his knife.)

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is comedy. Yeah, this is what CBS is paying the big bucks for. Joining us later for mince pie . . . Terri Garr, Martin Mull and comedian Rick Martinez.

"Did I tell you I got another speeding ticket, Paul? Yeah, 80 in a 55. And that woman's back. In my house . . . yeah, that one, the nut. Saw her upstairs a few minutes ago. Must've broken in through the skylight.

"Good God, she's rappelling into my home now! Do we have any rappelling music, Paul?"

(Paul puts down a huge drumstick, reaches one arm over chair, plays a polka riff on the synthesizer.)

"Mmmm, this gravy is delicious! What else? I see President Clinton is . . . "

*

BARBARA WALTERS: "Burt, forgive me, but I must ask you: What was it like living with Loni in those last terrible months? Pass the biscuits, please. You seem so . . . bitter. Is that the margarine? Yes, please, I'll take some.

"Burt, did you ever want to be anything besides a movie star? Like . . . I don't know, some sort of bird? A turkey, maybe? Did Loni ever want to be a turkey?

"I interviewed Saddam Hussein once and he said he wanted to be a dove. Did you ever want to be a dove, Burt? Did Loni ever want to be a dove? Are those creamed onions? Yes, please, just a few."

"Somebody once told me -- it was either Hugh Downs or Arnold Schwarzenegger -- that he wanted to be an Arctic tern. Did you ever want to be an Arctic tern, Burt? Did Loni ever . . . ?"

*

ROSS PEROT: "Right away, I see us havin' a real problem here. Are you gonna let me talk? Huh? Is that possible? Thank yew. Now, as I was sayin', would you like some white meat or some of that . . .

"Son, am I gonna be able to finish a sentence? Just one sentence? You know who you remind me of? That turniphead Gore. You're not with the media, are you?

"How 'bout some broccoli? You're gonna love this broccoli, it's from right here in . . . what was that? Thought I heard something outside the window. Sergeant Muldauer, take a platoon of your SWAT boys and see if any of them Eye-ranian fundamentalists are sneakin' around. Castro sent some people to kill me, too, y'know.

"How 'bout some sweet potatoes? These here are from . . . son, is this how it's gonna be? You inneruptin' me all the time?"

*

JERRY LEWIS: "Everybody know each other? No? OK, before we dig in, let me handle the introductions.

"Immediately to my right, the giant who's been with me since we started these gatherings, maybe the biggest heart in Hollywood, Mr. Ed McMahon!"

(Ed nods, says: "Hiyo.")

"This next lady is class all the way and helps define what this business is all about: Miss Linda Lavin!

"To her right . . . what can you say about this next gentleman? (Jerry's eyes moisten.) A super individual and a super talent, a man who's always there for me, Mr. Robert Goulet!

"God rest his soul, but when Sammy was alive, he used to say of our next guest: 'Jerry, the cat is Numero Uno.' And indeed he is. A unique talent and my main man in the radio industry: Mr. Casey Kasem!

"Over there next to the stuffing, a marvelous performer . . .

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