Student shoves Schmoke that's the official version

ROGER SIMON

November 21, 1993|By ROGER SIMON

I have kept silent for as long as I can, but now I must speak out no matter what the consequences.

Whatever happens to me, I want the truth to survive.

The "facts" are well known to all:

On Nov. 12, Mayor Kurt Schmoke revealed that he had been shoved in the chest by a 13-year-old while trying to break up a brawl between two students at the Roland Park Elementary/Middle School.

Both students were suspended from school for two days.

"If I ever went home and said I shoved the mayor in the chest, I wouldn't be able to sit for a couple of weeks," Schmoke said.

Case closed. Or is it?

Could anyone except a brainwashed public, spoon-fed dollops of "truth" by a corporately controlled media really believe that this was the whole story?

There are other possibilities:

THE DOUBLE SHOVE THEORY -- The mayor of Baltimore is a former football, lacrosse and Perquacky champion.

He works out every day on a treadmill in his office. His hobbies include reading, reading some more and kick-boxing.

Yet we are to believe that a child was able to shove him willy-nilly on a Baltimore street?

Wouldn't it be more likely that there were two shoves? One from the area immediately in front of Schmoke and another from a grassy knoll a few hundred yards to his left?

An examination of a videotape made by a PBS film crew in town to tape a segment from "Barney Does Baltimore," reveals a shadow moving from Schmoke's left in Frame 276 to his right in Frame 339.

Conspiracy expert Lenny "Ding-Dong" Bell, who lives under Space Mountain at Walt Disney World, endorses this theory.

"No doubt about it," he said. "I have built an exact replica of the scene out of Popsicle sticks, and no single shove could possibly have struck Schmoke in the chest.

"The Double Shove Theory is the only one that makes any sense. And I advise you to write a book on it before someone steals it and goes on 'Oprah.' "

THE CLARKE COMMISSION REPORT -- After the attack on the mayor, City Council President Mary Pat Clarke assembled a blue-ribbon panel from some of the city's leading halfway houses to investigate the incident and report to her.

Her conclusion:

"The kid didn't shove Schmoke; Schmoke shoved the kid," Clarke said. "Schmoke sucker-punched him and held him down and whispered into his ear: 'Drugs are good. Say yes to drugs. This is the voice of the Devil speaking.'

"So my commission concludes that only a new mayor, and possibly an exorcism, can save this city from going to Hell."

THE OLIVER STONE THEORY -- The mayor is always surrounded by a well-trained, well-armed contingent of hand-picked police officers.

So how could an unarmed teen-ager penetrate that protective shield?

"No way," movie director Oliver Stone said from his mansion at Rancho Nutso, Calif. "It is well known that the CIA funded the heroin trade from the Parrot's Peak region of Southeast Asia during the Vietnam War.

"It is also well known that if you take the first letter from each word of the Roland Park Elementary/Middle School, it spells RPEMS, which stands for Revolutions Per Minute.

"Denzel Washington will play Kurt Schmoke, Whoopi Goldberg will play Madame Nhu and Ted Danson will play the midget rogue CIA agent, who shoves the mayor. Original soundtrack album from Arista Records."

THE REPLICANT THEORY -- Years ago while at Oxford, Schmoke was replaced by an alien pod or "replicant" which took over his body.

The replicant resembles him in every way, except has an impaired ability to show emotion.

"Before he went to England, Kurt Schmoke was one happenin' dude," Schmoke's college sweetheart, Bernice "Boom-Boom" Williams, said.

"He was some kind of party animal. But when he got back, all he wanted to talk about was urban policy. I know something happened to him over there."

When reached for comment, Mayor Schmoke replied:

"These conspiracy theories are ridiculous and a waste of time and distract us from important matters like solid waste disposal.

"And, to set the record straight, I have just as much emotion as any of you earthlings."

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