Solid assurances that Baltimore is not Chevy Chase

JACQUES KELLY

November 16, 1993|By JACQUES KELLY

Ever worry that real Baltimoreans are starting to disappear? Will designer malls and good taste destroy this city's character?

Nah.

It can't happen here. Never.

Here's an imperfect list of some signs and methods that will perpetually separate Baltimore from Chevy Chase:

Take it for granted that your order of French fries comes with brown gravy.

Never pull into a parking space when you can double park and annoy other drivers.

Brag about how you haven't been back to Washington since you went there on a Cub Scout trip.

Drive back home rather than pay $4 to park in the Inner Harbor.

Make a game of running red lights.

Have at least one room painted baby blue.

Consider the highest form of snacking to be a box of Berger's chocolate cookies.

Tip less than 10 per cent.

Will designer malls and good taste destroy this city's character? Nah.

Call both your male and female friends "Babe."

Leave a Christmas wreath up until at least opening day of the baseball season.

Wear a three-quarter-length coat.

Expect mayonnaise on a submarine along with the traditional Baltimore soggy sub roll.

Possess perpetually bad sinuses.

Attend an oyster roast even if you don't like oysters. Count the number of fully loaded plates eaten by your friends. Report that figure like a baseball score.

Hire a mason to put up Formstone instead of having your club cellar paneled.

For a Baltimorean, the Midwest begins at Ellicott City.

Exhibit behavior that is proper one minute and bawdy the next.

Keep an anchor painted white on the front lawn.

Labor over complicated and expensive craft hobbies. Toy trains and ceramics rank high.

Serve slaw with most meals.

Be afraid of a motor trip that takes you across the Bay Bridge.

Be suspicious of all environmental legislation.

Buy foods you don't really need or like because you have coupons for 50 cents off.

Consider it an affront that the music industry has converted to the compact disc format.

Keep the garage so loaded with junk that it never sees an automobile.

Wear Spandex only if you are a minimum of 40 pounds overweight.

Regard Banana Republic as a rude name for a Central American country.

Inquire if Omaha isn't off the No. 20 bus line.

Wash your windows and curtains before the holidays.

Take it for granted you'll know someone else at a restaurant.

Play Christmas music any time after Halloween.

Prefer throwing $20 into the church 50-50 raffle rather than dropping $20 into the collection.

Always carry a shopping bag or Tupperware-loaded carryall wherever you go.

Indulge in overstated eyewear.

Distrust condominiums.

Recoil at the dreaded term townhouse.

Pass on your magazines to six neighbors.

Flinch at such annoying phrases as "quality time" and "caring and sharing."

Forget about dieting. Baltimoreans aren't ashamed to look like walking ads for the beef industry.

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