Stop melting over boyfriend and start regaining separate identity


November 14, 1993|By SUSAN DEITZ | SUSAN DEITZ,Los Angeles Times Syndicate

Q: I live with my boyfriend. Someday I hope to get married, but it could be it's not part of his plans. I gave up a chance for a great career so he could advance his, alienated my family (who doesn't like him) and moved to a city where I have no job or friends. And next year he may move again. I don't want to lose him but I don't want to compromise my own life.

A: You're starting to see the future, and it doesn't seem to be what you had in mind, a disappointment that could become a blessing if it prods you into independence. You've got to stop melting all over your boyfriend and start becoming a separate entity -- that's top priority.

And part of that effort is a reconciliation with your family; it would be sad to remain alienated. Think about returning to them as a first step, then finding a job and an apartment, and reconnecting with friends. If your boyfriend loves you, he'll understand that this is no life for you. And he'll want for you what you want for yourself.

I suggest a phone call home, followed by a visit. Being with family will help you reconnect with yourself and the goals you disrupted in the name of love. Good things will flow from that visit. Pick up the phone.

Q: I was lucky to meet the girl of my dreams, and though she was hesitant at first, we did go out and we hit it off very well. We can talk about all sorts of things for hours at a time. But as it turns out, she just wants to be friends because she's seeing someone else and is getting closer and closer to him.

I can accept being friends, but I can't seem to bury the deeper feelings I have for her. I can't stop thinking about her. I'd like to stay friends, but I have to deal with my feelings first. Any suggestions on how to deal with unrequited love?

A: Run for the hills. When a woman says "Let's be friends," that is the kiss of death; the relationship is over. She sees you as a buddy, and you cherish the ground she walks on. That kind of lopsided love is a no-win situation because neither side gets what they want. (Your dream girl doesn't get a pal, and you don't have her as a beloved.) Wise men bow out now.

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