The little missed segment from the Perot-Gore debate

ROGER SIMON

November 12, 1993|By ROGER SIMON

Because of technical difficulties, nine minutes of the debate between Vice President Al Gore and Ross Perot on "Larry King Live" never made it to the air.

Here is a transcript:

PEROT: It's simple. Stay with me now: You elect me president for life and I guarantee you that me and Mexico will be dancin' like Fred and Ginger in no time at all.

GORE: I would like to point out that Mr. Perot is not only misinformed, but considerably shorter than I am.

PEROT: See, people wonder why the American people hate government. And it's because of all the name calling. So here's a question for you, Al: After couples get a divorce in Tennessee, are they still brother and sister?

GORE: That is unfair! That is uncalled for! That is beneath the dignity of my office and it bounces off rubber and sticks to glue!

PEROT: Do I get a chance to answer, Larry? Larry?

LARRY: Sorry, I was watching "Roseanne."

PEROT: Roseanne? Is she another one of these "gotcha" story journalists trying to prove her manhood?

LARRY: No, it's a TV show. Roseanne means to punish Dan for neglecting to tell her about his impromptu lunch date with an old flame, while she keeps secret her own fantasies about Fabio.

PEROT: Had me a gardener named Fabio once. Mexican fella. We pass NAFTA and Fabio is going to be livin' in the big house and we're all gonna be hoein' his tomatoes. Am I right?

GORE: I know a man in Smyrna, Tenn., who makes hockey pucks. Right now, he can't sell his hockey pucks because of the trade barriers with Canada. But after NAFTA, he will be able to sell his hockey pucks from the Yukon to the Yucatan.

PEROT: Follow along, Al. Here's a hint: You're a hockey puck.

GORE: He didn't raise his hand! Did you see him raise his hand?

LARRY: Tomorrow on the program: Ted and Whoopi -- what went wrong? First caller, go ahead.

CALLER: I'm in a bar and we've got a bet. I say Gore is the ventriloquist and Perot is the dummy and my friend says it's the other way around. And I'd like to follow up.

LARRY: Good question! What's the follow-up?

CALLER: Which one is Beavis and which one is Butt-head?

GORE: Larry, NAFTA would phase out the tariffs that the United States, Canada and Mexico now place on their goods and dismantle other trade barriers, thereby increasing trade throughout the continent.

PEROT: This is more smoke and mirrors from them boys in Washington. Don't let 'em slow dance with your mind. NAFTA is the soap my Momma used to scrub clothes with on her washboard. And it was heartbreakin', let me tell you. First thing I did when I made my third million was to buy her a new washboard.

LARRY: Al, I believe he has you on that one.

GORE: Mr. Perot is confusing NAFTA, the North American Free (( Trade Agreement, with Fels Naphtha, a rugged, agate colored ** bar soap invented in 1894 that his mother may well have used on clothes. It also is particularly helpful for the treatment of poison ivy.

PEROT: Is he sayin' something against my Momma? Is he saying she's poison ivy? Cause he's lyin'! You can always tell when that crowd in Washington is lyin': Watch their lips. If they're movin', they're lyin'!

GORE: Can I speak, Larry? Larry?

LARRY: On "Coach," the trip that Hayden and Christine take to the fertility clinic isn't very fruitful. We have another caller. Go ahead Mr. Goose from Hudson Bay!

CALLER: I now fly from Canada in the summer to Mexico in the winter. If NAFTA passes, would I still be able to do this?

PEROT: If NAFTA passes, all our gooses would be cooked! That kind of clears the air, don't it?

GORE: Mr. Perot is just trying to protect his own financial interests.

PEROT: He's lyin'! I don't have financial interests in Mexico and I already own Canada.

GORE: You own Canada?

PEROT: Bought it in '89 when property values were down. Some day I'm gonna turn it into a world-class country. Until then, my wife uses it to store her furs.

LARRY: That's all the time we have! In the next half-hour, Bruce Willis and Mikhail Gorbachev debate: "Twenty Mule Team Borax: Laundry Detergent or Transportation System of Tomorrow?"

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