It's all here: NFL, Barney and a use for your $1 bill

ROGER SIMON

November 01, 1993|By ROGER SIMON

Simon Says:

So Beavis and Butt-head have no redeeming social value? You mean the Three Stooges did?

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Is it just me, or do you have to get to the very end of a lot of commercials these days to find out what the heck they are selling?

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Charlottesville, Va., is fast becoming the Santa Fe, N.M., of the east.

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Need to measure something, but you don't have a ruler?

A dollar bill is approximately 6 inches long. (And the first person who asks how long a $5 bill is will be kept after class.)

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You know you're old when you can remember when Halloween didn't mean a trip to the hospital to X-ray the candy.

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And, speaking of Halloween, the government has now made it official: Next year, for every jack-o'-lantern, there must be at least one jill-o'-lantern.

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Let me take a wild guess and predict that when the NFL turns down Baltimore's bid for a new team at the end of the month, it will dangle the possibility of a Baltimore franchise in two or three years. This will be designed to keep us from filing an anti-trust suit.

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Cilantro is just a fancy name for parsley.

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In about six months, Michael Jordan's wife is going to be wearing a T-shirt that says: "I Married You For Better or Worse -- But Not for Lunch!"

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I have yet to meet a parent who likes Barney or a 3-year-old who does not.

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Enough already with redesigning toothpaste tubes.

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Once you put something in a kitchen drawer, you'll never change its location.

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I don't understand people who drive a hundred miles to watch leaves change color. The leaves change color in your front yard, too.

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No matter how it is disguised, you can always tell when a building has been a bank.

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Fog is nature gone drowsy.

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David Letterman has single-handedly revived the popularity of double-breasted suits. The last person to do so was Al Capone.

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Don't underestimate the person who writes with a fountain pen.

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Can you believe that 100-year-old man who went bungee jumping? It really makes me want to try it. When I'm 100 years old.

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Considering we have two declared candidates for mayor of Baltimore -- Kurt Schmoke and Mary Pat Clarke -- and the election is not until 1995, maybe we can start debates immediately and get two or three dozen in by election day.

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Yet more famous left-handed people: Diane Keaton, Marvin Mandel, Goldie Hawn, Beavis.

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Women are much less afraid to go to the doctor than men, much less afraid to ask for directions than men, and much less afraid to complain to waiters than men. Could it be that women are just much less afraid than men?

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When you compare it to current sitcoms, you realize how good the acting was on "Gilligan's Island."

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Paperback picks for November: "She's Come Undone" by Wally Lamb, "The Remains of the Day" by Kazuo Ishiguro, "Very Old Bones" by William Kennedy and "A Thousand Acres" by Jane Smiley.

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How come when it's in your attic it's junk, but when it's in a fancy store, it's an antique.

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People who empty their car ashtrays in parking lots ought to be beaten with sticks.

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On long road trips, do kids still sing "100 Bottle of Beer on the Wall"? And do their parents still threaten to kill them when they do?

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T-shirt of the Month: "Bad spellers of the world untie!"

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