Sometimes the best way to find love is not to look

SINGLE FILE

October 10, 1993|By SUSAN DEITZ | SUSAN DEITZ,Los Angeles Times Syndicate

This will be my last letter to you. I found the man of my dreams and we were married two weeks ago.

I have enclosed my letters to you, along with yours to me, so you can refresh your memory about my sad plight.

So what happened?

I gave up looking and tried prayer. And soon afterward I met Don. His mother (a member of my church) brought him to a party of a mutual friend; there were 125 guests there, but we found each other in the crowd.

We began with small talk, and gradually developed a friendship that went on from July to December of last year. In December we knew we were in love. (He went away on vacation for two weeks, and that turned out to be a sure test.) We were engaged on Valentine's eve.

What I discovered is that there are some really good men out there -- but not too many. Don is everything I wanted, and more. I waited 14 years for the best!

A: One of life's most difficult lessons is to Let It Be. (The Beatles knew it.) As adamant as I am about making the first move and taking what you want from life's cafeteria, I still believe there comes a time to take your foot off the gas pedal and simply coast. And you discovered that lesson when you shifted your energies away from the Single Search into positive thinking and visualization -- and holy prayer. There can be no greater lesson than the one you learned. Heartiest congratulations to you and your wonderful husband. But look in on us from time and time; a letter from a happy marriage is always welcome. Stay connected.

Q: I'm 67 years young, female, widowed after 23 years of a beautiful marriage in which I felt totally loved, accepted and appreciated. I was the one who was pursued, from the moment we met; I must say my husband remained romantic until the day he passed away. He worked hard at making my life beautiful.

We had both experienced marriages that ended in divorce before we met, so we were extra careful not to repeat our mistakes. (Mine was to marry someone I pursued -- it was a disaster and sent me into therapy almost immediately.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need to feel beloved unconditionally. My emotional health demands that I feel secure in a man's love. If I'm placed in the position of being the one who loves more, I soon lose all interest and withdraw. End of relationship.

A: Being the one pursued in love is not always passive, as you well know. The insight you have into what you need -- and why -- gives you the power to choose roles as well as partners. The second time, you chose well, since you knew what felt right and good to you. Bless you and your husband for being careful the second time around.

Q: There is an irony in the ritual of bachelor parties that no one seems to have pegged. The justification for them is supposed to be that the prospective groom is now going to shackle on the ball and chain and so this is his last chance to enjoy the things single men do, such as wine, women and song, yet most of the parties are given and attended by married men! What's the real reason for the party if the married man is still going to act single after marriage?

Bachelor parties, strip shows and pornography all subtly undermine love, trust and intimacy between men and women. Separating sex from love is for animals and adolescents who haven't learned to control their sexual urges.

One thing should be made clear: Every man has the right to do as he pleases within the law regarding bachelor parties, etc. However, every advice columnist overlooks the fact that every women has the right to reject any man because she doesn't like his personal habits, such as pornography, strippers, etc. There is nothing wrong with a woman who rejects a little boy and wants a relationship with an adult.

I'm tired of being told something is wrong with me because I prefer to look for a man who respects all people enough to respect women as people, not as amusement.

A: You may be tired, but don't give in to the sort of fatigue that entices you to lower your standards or lower your sights. Stay on LTC the lookout for an adult man who respects himself, because then he will understand what it means to respect women. Bravo.

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