OH! Now I understand why this poem won!


September 26, 1993|By ROGER SIMON

For the first time in history, my poetry contest has become mired in controversy.

"I just don't understand the winning entry," Moe, one of my Poetry Policemen, said. "And I want an explanation."

OK, I said, here goes: My favorite part of going to an Oriole's game, that part that makes an O's game unique in professional baseball, is when the crowd sings the Star-Spangled Banner and then shouts out "Oh!" when it comes to the part about "Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave . . ."

"So?" Moe said. "So what?"

So, I said, Christopher J. Ellis of Baltimore has come up with a haiku naming our new/maybe football team in such a manner that it, too, will make Baltimore football unique. And he does it by going back to the original name that touched off all the controversy in the first place. I think that is very clever. Here is his winning entry:

"Rhin-OH! say does that

Star-Spangled Banner yet wave . . ."

You know, it might work.

"OK, OK," Moe said. "So who else won?"

Two second place winners this year:

Lou Jacobs, Baltimore:

Football fans drink beer

They give it back as they leave

And kill my bushes.

John Amato, Baltimore:

Why not call them the COTS?

Then we, the fans, the have-nots

Can all continue to sneer

At him who snuck the L outta here

While Memorial Stadium rots.

Third place to Bill Roesller, Severna Park:

In the land where the tax cap rules

We don't want to spend money on schools

But we'll pay for some scheme

For a new football team

Just call us the Baltimore Fools.

And Honorable Mentions to:

Saul Singer, Baltimore:

One final political joke

Will give Willie Schaefer a stroke

When the football team owner

Pulls one world-class boner

And names the team "Baltimore Schmoke."

Larry Ronis, Randallstown:

In five hostage towns,

The only sound's the hushed

Rustling of money.

Andrew J. Solomon (assist from Dave Zolet), Ellicott City:

A name for the team that will please,

Should remind us of birds and of seas,

One name that will fit

The Bay-Gulls is it,

But not one with lox and cream cheese.

Emily Johnston, Westminster:

If we call the team

The Hippos, then the park would

Be the "Hippodome."

Bob Eikenberg, Fallston:

If they will be known

As the Ravens evermore,

Po Edgar Allen!

No name, Baltimore postmark:

Whether labeled the Rhinos or Hons

The prime issue is this woman's

It won't really matter

If they pick the latter,

As long as they all have cute buns.

Phyllis Gemmell, Baltimore:

Oh, please, not The Hons!

Why, who would serve as mascot?

Hair-netted waitress?

Larry Kwiatkoski, Baltimore:

Name the football team?

Who cares about such nonsense

While town bleeds to death?

C.L. Chambers, Baltimore:

What name should we use

When Baltimore gets the ball?

"The Baltimore-Rons."

M. Tatro, Ellicott City:

Wouldn't it be best

To pick a name for "our team"

After we get one?

Jean Peterson, Odenton:

Altho' it might come as a shock

To Boogie and all of his flock

To me it's quite clear

To sell t-shirts & beer,

The name should be "Baltimore's Block"!

Frank M. Kaufmann, Baltimore:

This name thing, if 'twere only a pimple,

Could easily be hid 'neath a wimple;

But an issue this dire

Calls for coldblooded satire

Let's just call them the "Simons" -- it's simple!

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