Armed and vacationing

Kevin Cowherd

September 24, 1993|By Kevin Cowherd

Dear Ed and Bernice,

Well, here we are in sunny Florida! The weather has been just gorgeous! Our hotel is lovely, too. A man tried to break into our room a few minutes ago, but Harry scared him off with his Beretta, you know, the 9mm I bought him last Christmas? With the 15-shot magazine and 4.9-inch barrel?

Anyway, Harry pumped two shots into the door and the man ran away. The hotel manager was very nice, he replaced the door right away and ordered two extra deadbolts. How is everyone at home? Does Coco miss us? Poor baby, give her an extra Milk-Bone.

The Everglades was just gorgeous, although we almost didn't get there. (And no, Bernice, not because I was running late again!)

As we pulled out of the car rental lot, two men in a battered van started following us. Then they bumped us from behind. I told Harry not to stop and he said (as per usual): "For chrissakes, Marge, stop telling me how to drive!" Then the van pulled alongside and one of the men was waving a Colt .45, I think it was.

So Harry yelled: "Oh, yeah?" and pulled out his Tech 9! You know, the semiautomatic pistol with the matte blue finish and moulded composition stock?

Honestly, I nearly died of embarrassment! Can you be- leeve that husband of mine? Always has to have more firepower than the other fellow. But that's Harry. (You're right about him, Ed. He is a hothead!)

Well, the bad guys got one look at Harry's gun and swerved across three lanes and down an exit ramp. Harry leaned out the window and fired a 10-shot burst at them anyway.

I don't think he hit anyone, but with so many cars on the road, how could you tell? Bernice, you're always complaining about the traffic in Middletown. Hah! You should see this place!

Our next stop was Sea World. It was terrific! Harry thought the people were so-o-o friendly! But he wasn't there when I walked out of the ladies' room and this man grabbed me in a choke hold from behind.

Then he put his hand over my mouth and tried to push me behind this Dumpster, even though I told him I was headed for the souvenir stand (to get a Shamu sweat shirt for your Tommy, I might add.)

Luckily, I was able to reach into my windbreaker for my Desert Fox survival knife, the one with the serrated 6-inch blade and ebony phenolic resin handle? I buried it in his thigh, up to the hilt. Oh, it must have smarted! He screamed and limped off toward the water-skiing area.

When I got back to Harry, he said, "How was the souvenir stand?" and I said, "Oh, you know." The dolphin show was magnificent, Bernice. And I never knew killer whales could jump so high! We took lots of pictures, remind me to show them to you.

Disney World was very nice, too, although by now, as you can imagine, we were a little jittery, even with our bullet-proof vests. Harry would whirl around every few feet and stick his gun (a Heckler & Koch SP89, 13-inches long, my God, it looks like a small cannon!) into the face of whoever was behind us.

One time it was some pimply-faced teen-ager who worked at the Magic Kingdom. And one time it was Mickey himself, on the way to the parade! At EPCOT Center, Harry nearly plugged a tour guide.

One night (this is so funny, well, maybe not ha-ha funny) we were leaving this restaurant, right? And we heard something in the bushes. So Harry pulled out his Ruger Mark II automatic (double action, lightweight aluminum frame, the one he carries at night) and pumped six shots into a hedge.

We heard a moan. Well, hold onto your hats! It turned out to be one of the busboys relieving himself!

Is that a hoot?! Trust Harry to shoot a busboy!

Ed, I can hear you now: "Geez Louise, don't they use bathrooms in Florida?" We didn't stop to ask. We just jumped in the car and made tracks before the police came. I read in the newspaper the next day that the busboy's shoulder is coming along just fine, though.

Well, gotta go. Harry thought he just heard something out on the balcony. He's got on his night vision goggles and is standing next to the drapes with his Smith & Wesson .38.

Which means I'm stuck (again!) with the Winchester Model 70 with the Mirador wide-angle scope.

My best to everyone at home. Kisses to Coco.

Love,

Marge

P.S. -- Ed, Harry asks if you would please send another box of shells (Hornady 110-grain SP), as we plan to stay a few more days.

Baltimore Sun Articles
|
|
|
Please note the green-lined linked article text has been applied commercially without any involvement from our newsroom editors, reporters or any other editorial staff.